UNPAID LABOUR: The Unspoken Price of Protecting Christmas Traditions.

📷: SheResonance

When rest becomes rebellion!

An X user once said that we often talk about Santa Clause but not Santa's wife who must be doing all the gift wrapping. 

While of course we know Santa is merely a tale, but this depicts the real situation of women- Wives who do the work and husbands who sit at the head of the table to do the toast, mothers who backed the turkey and fathers who sit at the head of the table to carve the cooked. Right after she labours, they swoop in like Santa to take the glory. 

Santa clause is just every man at Christmas. It is not a story, it is a realistic depiction of women's underappreciated unpaid labour. 

Women are the Santa's wives of Christmas, those who labour at the background, men are the Santa Clauses of Christmas, those who are flamboyantly pulled by reindeers and take all the glory. 

Understanding the great cost of men's profession and love. 

📷: SheResonance

There is something we need to address and address and address fast if we want to resolve this issue of women's unpaid labour, which is that -

Society has taught men that it is ok to profess love without showing up in love. 

📣 He can profess his love for his children so much so that he can't bear the thought of them growing up without adequate parental care and affection, HOWEVER, he expects his wife to give up her career and become a stay-at-home mommy while his career remains unscathed by his decision.

📣 He can profess that he is not ready to have children, YET goes on to have unprotected sex then blame her for trapping him with pregnancy because he expects her to do all she can to prevent the baby he does not want from forming, even if it means taking drugs that are damaging to his system.

📣 He can profess his love for family values and traditions, YET have numerous baby mamas everywhere while worrying so much about the body count of all the women he's involved in (picture every republican conservative, alpha males podcaster and men in general around you).

📣 He can profess his love for clean table tops, shiny floors, fresh meals, YET expects his wife to do the cleaning and cook to make it happen.

📣 He can profess his love for neat looking children YET expects his wife to do the bathing and grooming because he has never changed a diaper for any of his 6 children. 

📣 He can profess his love for morals and fidelity so much, YET expects fidelity from his wife and 10 side chics while he goes on a frolic of his own.

📣 He can profess his love for his parents because of the great sacrifices they made in his life, YET expects his wife to shoulder the burden of elderly care when they are sick.

📣 He can profess to love the thanksgivings tradition so much, YET his wife is expected to do the cooking while he merely shows up at the head of the table to carve the turkey.

That is because each time a man professes to love something, a woman bears the brunt of that love. Women are the sufferers of men's love.

This is why someone said men love children the way children love puppies. You will still be the one to clean the excreta and feed the puppy. 

That's how men love- they show up for the fun part but not the part requiring labour. That one is for women to shoulder. 

By now, you should know where I am headed to because same pattern of thought is evident in Christmas and all its traditions which men claim to love so much. 

A man can profess his love for Christmas and talk about the beautiful childhood memories he has about Christmas memories- the many meats to be eaten, the gifts hidden under a Christmas tree, the house enveloped in smell of bakin, YET, YET, YET..., he expects his wife to do all the cooking, grocery shopping, baking, cleaning, gift wrapping to preserve the tradition he professes to love so much. 

Can we see the pattern? If a man professes love, he expects the women around him to work it out and make it a reality!

It's almost as if men think father Christmas does the cleaning and not real people, women. 

Christmas will come and as usual, we would have men who just want to relax during the holidays but guess who never rests- their mothers, wives and sisters. 

While the grown sons now husbands catch up over bottles of beers and meat, their wives keep the plates filled and the jingles rolling, their wives are expected to bond over cooking. 

Men do not seem to realise that REST & RELAXATION ACTUALLY REQUIRES LABOUR! For a man, the Christmas holidays is for relaxing, eating and recharging, for a woman, it is bigger pots of food, more dishes to wash, more mouths and visitors to feed. 

All the man does is drop money and expects the money to magically transform into hot turkey, wrapped gifts, big bowl of steaming chin chin, Christmas pyjamas and what have you. It doesn't matter that these women are equally providers in the family. 

Men see their money as an end, but women see money as a raw material that they need to labour to transform into food, gift cards, fries etc. Can we see how money works differently for men and women in a patriarchal arrangement?

Men call it "allowing the wives to bond over cooking", women call it labour. 

It is only men who rest during Christmas and holidays. Women understand this, they live through this, but men do not. Men are grown enough to realise Santa is not real YET, they are still stuck in that la la land where they think Santa makes it all happen not real and hard labour of women. 

The way forward. 

📷: SheResonance

1. Inclusive involvement: For the mothers, sisters and wives out there, insist on involving all- your sons, brothers, uncles and husbands. Assign something to them and don't do it if they fail to do it. Let them feel the burden of their profession. Don't rush to cover up for them. 

If the person assigned to frying the meat refuses to fry it, then it means there would be no meat this Christmas.

It requires labour to create magic 🪄. Christmas magic is fancy word for unpaid labour;

This Christmas, All hands should be on deck!

2. Imperfect perfections: Women need to Throw perfection out of the window. 

If you want to rest this holiday seasons, then you must embrace the fact that less is more. If men want more on their plates  then they should do more!

I am saying this because men have learnt WILFUL INCOMPETENCE. They do domestic work assigned to them poorly so they are not asked to do it again.

Remember you weren't born baking perfect pies. 

If they say they can't do it, remind them that you also did a bad job at some point, but you had to learn. They should do it again and again until they learn!

Don't take over just because they did not do it well. 

You can laugh over the behalf baked pie your husband made. It is part of the bonding. 

When you refuse to step up each time a man steps down, when you refuse to cover up for men's lapses each time they underperform domestically, instead, you insist on them doing it again and again until they get it right, then men will come to learn that WILFUL INCOMPETENCE cannot be used as a tool against you. 

So don't be quick to jump in to rectify that bad pie your son's or husbands make. Remember you once sucked at it too but you yiu did it over and over again until you got it right! Be comfortable with the men around you failing the first and second time. Don't take the work off their hands, allow them to do it again and again until they get it right!

If you don't like many people in the kitchen, then leave the kitchen for them to do their portion before you return. 

Stop taking the initiative, stop covering up for mens lapses. Sit through the discomfort of learning. Be ok with the imperfections until they, everyone gets it right.

The imperfections are all part of learning.

3. Let their actions match their profession: A comedian once said men shout their needs instead of doing anything about it because they know women will jump to fix it. 

All he needs to is shout 'I am hungry" without even speaking to anyone in particular and the women around will jump to prepare a meal.

In fact it's as if men have Pavlov'd the women around them to respond to their needs the moment certain prompts are said, same way dogs will wag their tails when you clank their plates. 

If you want to change patterns, you need to stop being the automatic fixer. If he shouts "I am hungry" direct him to the store where the raw rice is or you simply go ahead and continue doing what you are doing (my style of response).

When he says "so what should 'WE' do this Christmas" meaning what should YOU do, immediately divide the chores. Men need to learn the price of their professions and affections. They need to learn that:

It takes Labour to satisfy hunger.

It takes Labour to keep the house and children clean.

It takes Labour to pacify a crying baby.

It takes Labour to preserve Christmas traditions.

It takes Labour to creat Christmas Magic!

Not wishes, Labour, real Labour, hard labour. We need to stop shielding our sons, brothers and husbands from the laborious aspect of their needs, professions and affections.

Santa Clause is really fashioned after men who, just like children, are used to waking up to see things done. 

4. Outsource: Outsourcing is the 21st century woman's best friend! So long as the funds is there, outsource to the best of your financial abilities. There is no price for who suffers the most. There is no price for the woman who starts everything from scratch.

A man who doesn't want to work domestically, his cheque should work for him!

As much as you can, outsource. Not all outsourcing requires money. It can start from the little things like cutting your veggies in the market, to buying already-mix flour, to buying gifts from gifts shop where it can be wrapped, to including your children and spouse domestically, to outsourcing to machines (buying washing machine), to getting a help. You don't have to do everything on your own! Start small. 

Anything that makes the work easier and saves wine is outsourcing!

And the more money you make, the more you should be able to buy time and rest! Stop trying to prove that your money hasn't gotten into your head. That is society's palava not your burden to bear. 

5. Distance: After my service year, I decided I wanted rest. I didn't want to return home. The tradition was, immediately I return, everyone drops their gloves and let me take over. I had protested, I had rebelled, I had done less in time past, now I needed distance. Distance meant complete hands off.

My mother complained to everyone. She made it sound like abandonment , like I don't care, but when I look back at my childhood memories, it was labour and more labour.

My eldest sister called, I confided in her. When my mother called, she berated her and asked her why I would want to come home only to pack dog's shit and work endlessly. 

When I came home the next Christmas, needless to say, I did less AND I RELISHED IT. My youngest brother learnt catering and handled the frying and baking.

My eldest sister understood. She took told her husband she no longer wishes to spend Christmas with his family because she always returns home to HBP within the few days she spent. She said his siblings come in a day before Christmas when all the cooking and cleanups have been concluded. 

Even days when she decides to spend with them, she took decided that she would visit a day before the festivity because she took deserves to be taken care of.

I did it in my father's house, my eldest sister did it in her marital home.

If rest means distancing yourself from labour, do it!

It gave me control over my time, body,  labour and rest. You're your best advocate. I wanted to do less and had to put everyone through the discomfort of expecting less from me, which invariably forced them to do more. 

My mum who previously expected me to do everything started delegating to my brother's because I just blatantly refused to do pass my fault portion of work even if it means sitting in the mess. 

People around are doing less because you keep supplementing for their failings. Do less and everyone will be forced to hold their own end!

They are adults, they can figure it out themsleves, because I assure you, when you die, life will continue, they will adjust so the adjustments should start now when you're alive. 

"Nothing will change if men do not begin to suffer losses from the system they upheld" says Roxanne Gay.

If men were actively involved in the laborious aspect of the things they profess to love, so many cultures and traditions they claim to hold dear will automatically fizzle out. Many traditions survive till today because it was built on the backs of women and sustained by their sweat and blood. 

If you claim to be tired of it, then stop lending your back and sweat. 

Do what the boys do- SIT, BE SELFISH. 

DO LESS THIS CHRISTMAS AND EXPECT MORE FROM THOSE USED TO DOING LESS IN PREVIOUS CHRISTMAS!

Conclusion.

For every woman out there listening to me, know this- REST IS REBELLION.

For a system built on the back of women's unpaid labour, for a system where women are Pavlov'd to respond to men's needs, choosing to rest is an act of rebellion.

Who would have taught doing nothing is rebellion!

I decided not to go home, now even when I go home, I do considerably less, I can now rest.

My mother had this absurd idea that the youngest daughter should do so much. Even while we were 6 children, I did roughly 80% of the house chores if not more. Should anyone choose not to do theirs, it ultimately fell on me. That was childhood for me.

My rebellion came with an unexpected good news. At the time I chose not to work, it felt like j was burning bridges because I was always clashing with my muj. However, now I can now make better memories with my sibling outside rendering services! With all hands of deck, we can all chat while working, work finishes on time giving room for more chattering and laughter, unlike my childhood where I hear their laughter in the kitchen while I work.

Some days back I called my youngest brother to told him to prepare to bake chocolate cake this Christmas (he makes the best I've ever eaten). 

I am excited about going home because the truth is, you will enjoy rendering labour to your family and loved ones when you're also certain of receiving same form of love from them! But when all you do is give, give and give while receiving nothing, it leaves you drained. 

While I cooked, my brother baked cake and my sister made the chin chin, and we all gist and laugh while doing that. I no longer hear the sound of my chopping board because the kitchen is filled with laughter. Even after I'm done cooking, I stay back to help them because we still have a lot of gist to catch on.

And this all started because 5 years ago I decided I wanted things to change. I wanted my holiday to be different. I wanted to be excited about going home. It took me deciding to do less and not do my brothers' portion even when it meant clashing with my mother It took me closing my door and sleeping like my brothers. It took me deciding not to go home for the holidays and spend time on my bed watching yet another k-drama.

I hated having to stay in a dirty house, not meeting with family, however, for systems to change, you must also be willing to sit through the pains of transition without trying to take things back to the status quo.

This the second holiday where just the thought of going home did not make me sigh in exhaustion. So when I say I am excited to go home this holiday, it's not because I will do nothing, but because I now enjoy reciprocity because I now do less with those around me holding their own end of the bargain.

Tell yourself "Less of society, more of me!"

Do less this Christmas. That's the message. 

Have a merry, RESTFUL Christmas 🎄 🎄 🎄.

Feel free to like, comment share. Any topic you want us to talk about, kindly comment.

                              - Dogo Joy Njeb Esq.

ABOUT:

DOGO JOY NJEB Esq is a practicing lawyer and founder of SheResonance Awareness. She has worked with Legal Aid Council Nigeria and is a member of Federation of Female lawyers on Nigeria where she renders pro bono services to indigent persons. She is a private practitioner, a writer and an aspiring author. 

SheResonance is focused on grassroot activism. We lend our voices to women whose voices are stifled. We break down complex issues of GBV into easily digestible form from a legal perspective. At SheResonance we practices intersectional feminism. If one women is in chains, for her sake the fight should continue. Every story deserves to be heard!

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