PASSIVE GOODNESS VERSUS ACTIVE GOODNESS: Your guide to a more equitable relationship.

 

There are serious relationship issues that are not necessarily red flags, but that doesn't make them less of a deal breaker. 

I find it imperative to make this post because these very serious issues are usually embodied by the so-called GOOD GUYS. And I am not taking about the Nigerian patriarchal woman version of good guy, I am talking about men who are objectively good to woman, men who can stay in a room with a drunk woman and she would be safe.   However, they embody some serious behavioural flaws like:

✖️ Poor hygiene.

✖️ Doesn't participate domestically.

✖️ Lazy and not driven.

✖️ Doesn't stand up for his wife.

✖️ Does not actively support his partner's ambitious.

We women are used to men being generally unkind/misogynistic towards us, so when we meet a good guy, WE TEND TO BE GRATEFUL and that gratitude includes overlooking many BEHAVIOURAL FLAWS or 'smaller' red flags.

This is because when you are used to poor treatment, the barest minimum becomes a luxury, and there are so many men doing way less than the minimum so we tend to over-estimate the effort put by men who just happen to touch the bench mark. 

Since I watched this k-drama WORK LATER, DRINK NOW some months back, I have been unable to get this issue off my chest. 

From the drama, you can tell that the writers are progressive thinkers, however, they also fell into the narrative that once a guy is good, any other flaw is pardonable and should be overlooked. In the drama, one of the male leads who happens to be a live interest was kind to her, he was there for her during bereavement etc, however, he was loud, dirty, lived in what could be termed a pigsty, crass and generally embarassing. She was clearly embarrassed around him, but at the end of the day, they dated, nothing was said about him growing up and behaving like an adult.

And funny thing is, the only requirement for a man to pass the good GUY BENCHMARK IS TO DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT ALL:

👉 Do not beat women

👉 Do not cheat on your partner.

👉 Do not sabotage her career

👉 Allow her to chase her career.

When a man is said to 'allows' his wife to have a career, it does not necessarily mean being supportive, he just does not interfere with it. 

Some times back, Toyosi made such huge spectacle about how her husband Etim (a Nigerian actor) allowed her to have a career after marriage. She called him a good man. According to her, when she asked him if her flourishing career would make him feel small, he told her she is allowed to go out there and fly (her words). By allow, he did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT ALL, he did not intentionally sabotaged her or use the 'our kids would need a parent at home' to get her to quit a bouyant career. He was termed a good man for doing nothing at all, for just 'allowing' her exist in a 'man's world'.

But on the Flip side, for Toyosi to be termed a good wife, she will have to:

👉 Give up her career to support him.

👉 Wake up before him to heat the water.

👉 Prep breakfast.

👉 Prep the children for school. 

👉 Be considerate if he chooses to 'look outside' of the home.

If Etim (her husband) is to come out and say "my wife is a goodwife because she allows me have my career as an actor and even kiss actresses on set", everyone will think of him as crazy because the goodness expected of women is supposed to be ACTIVE, SACRIFICIAL & SELF -EFFACING. Something as passive as 'allowing' a man do something is not goodness in Patriarchy's handbook.

In fact, if Etim is to be ACTIVELY GOOD to his wife like waking up before her to heat the water, prep breakfast and prep the kids for school, in other to support her career, he would be termed a simp, Toyosi would be accused of hen-pecking her husband.

PASSIVE GOODNESS MAKES A MAN GOOD, ACTIVE GOODNESS MAKES A MAN A SIMP

PASSIVE GOODNESS MAKES A WOMAN UNWIFE-ABLEA, CTIVE MAKES A WOMAN A WIFE-ABLE. 

This is the reason why a woman who stays with a man during his struggling impoverished woman will never be appreciated by the Patriarchy because staying is passive, she is doing nothing special, she is... (you got that right)... behaving like a man. 

This is because, misogyny is not passive, it is active, it expects a man to actually go out of his way to harm a woman. So a good man is a man who does nothing at all to harm a woman, not necessarily man who ACTIVELY does good to her. In fact, the bulk of our activism is for men to do not nothing at all- do not rape her, do not cheat, do not make legislations that victimised her. The do nots are the barest minimum that are often over glorified as masculine goodness.

A woman once shared her story of in-law abuse. According to her, "my husband is not the problem", he is good and sweet but his mother is abusive towards me". I told her that her husband is NOT a good man. A good man does not fold his hands and watch a woman he loves being abused. For what it isworth, he is quiet because it benefits him. Why be cruel in person when he can easily do that through the agency of his mother?

WHY DO MEN GET LABELLED GOOD BY SIMPLY FOLDING THEIR HANDS & DOING NOTHING AT ALL? 

Men's goodness towards women is usually passive, so when is expected of them to actually DO SOMETHING like being supportive of their wives (not just 'allowing' her to have a career), when it is expected of them participating domestically, being mindful of their hygiene, or doing anything that involves them taking steps, they are often found lacking, and women are supposed to be grateful with that because he is PASSIVELY GOOD TO HER. 

This is why feminists say good men need misogynists in other to look good. They need men to beat their wives, cheat on her, in other for the good men to look good for doing absolutely nothing at all. The bad men give the good men a facelift. 

I have heard men decry the idea of a woman who leaves 'a good man' for repeatedly forgetting her birthday or anniversary. To them, passivity from a male partner is never a good enough reason to jump ship, provided he does not hit his wife like James does, or cheat on his wife like Adam does.

I always ask, "why do the good guys always compare themselves to the basest of men- cheaters, rapists, wife beaters in other to look good? Why not compare yourself with men who actually show up for their wives, then let's see what shows up on your goodness score board? 

The purpose of this post is that, as women, we need to move away from being content with PASSIVE GOODNESS FROM MEN to ACTIVE GOODNESS. No, it is not enough that he does not hit, he does not cheat, we want men to:

✅ Actively support her.

✅ Actively participate domestically without being told or supervised.

✅ Actively take care of their hygiene as so as not to expose her to UTI.

✅ Actively participate in child-rearing.

✅ Actively stand up for her against his parents and families when they try to bully her.

As a woman, my motto when it comes to dealings with men is that "DEMAND AS MUCH AS YOU GIVE!". That is my litmus test. If he demands fidelity, I expect same in return, if he demands my domestic involvement, I expect same. My idea of goodness is, you don't make someone you love do things you consider belittling if you are expected to do same.

I don't want to be patronised, I don't want a man who 'allows' me, I want a man who actively supports me, who is actively vested in my success in the same way he would expect me to be of his.

We need to move pass the era of passive goodness, stop being grateful to men for doing nothing at all and start ACTIVELY DEMANDING that they back up their goodness with palpable and overt action. THERE IS NO GOODNESS IN DOCILITY.

Men need to actually show up for women in the way women are expected to show up on for them.

                 -  Dogo Joy Njeb Esq.

She is a practicing lawyer and founder of SheResonance Awareness. She has worked with Legal Aid Council Nigeria and is a member of Federation of Female lawyers on Nigeria where she renders pro bono services to indigent persons. She is a private practitioner, a writer and an aspiring author. Contact her on Facebook

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