MISDIRECTED ANGER: The Anger Gap Between Men & Women Remains a Troubling Feminist Issue.

📷: Dreamstime.com

"Decisions you make when you're not thinking reveals the true state of your mind, and that true state is that "you view women as easier target"

She left her office pass at home and quickly rushed back to get it. Upon entering the house, she was greeted with strange noise, only to find her husband on their matrimonial bed with a strange woman. 

What started out as a beautiful morning with kisses shared and goodbyes traded turned sour in a matter of seconds. 

Now let's take a quick guess- If she is to physically carry out her anger, who do you think she would pounce on? (Let me give you a second to think:-

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I'm sure by now, you'll rightly guess that the vast majority of women would pounce on the other woman, even though:

👉 That other woman was actively chased down by her husband.

👉 That other woman would never have being there if he did not usher her in.

👉 That other woman did not take her to the altar and say 'I do' before God and man so she broke no vows.

👉 That other woman is a stranger to her.

👉 The man is a freewill agent. It wasn't a mistake but a well thought out plan. 

One may argue that at that moment, emotions are high and she had no time to think. Pouncing on the other wan was merely instinctual, however, things you do when you're not thinking reveals the true state of your mind, and that true state is that "you view women as easier target. 

That decision she took at the heat of the moment to pounce on the other woman is not in fact instinctual, it is merely ingrained and internalised social bias. She is acting out exactly as the patriarchal system designs. 

Now, let's imagine another scenario:- 

He had left his office pass at home and quickly rushed back to get it. Upon entering the house, he was greeted with strange noise, only to find his wife on their matrimonial bed with a strange man. 

What started out as a beautiful morning with kisses shared and goodbyes traded turned sour in matter of seconds.

Now let's take a quick guess- If he is to physically carry out his anger, who do you think he would pounce on? (Let me give you a second to think:-

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I'm sure by now, you'll rightly guess that the vast majority of men would pounce on their wives.

He is not thinking "oh, she was seduced", he is thinking "she cheated on me. How dare she disrespect me with another man"

As women, we are constantly at the receiving end of anger, be it from men or other women. Today's focus is on that fron other women.

Now, imagine that, that woman tells her female friend about her husband's infidelity, the numerous STI's she's had to treat and what have you.

Her friend advices her to leave. For most of the times, we know that wouldn't end well for the friend. She would be accused of wanting to break the home because she is single and can't find a man, or even wanting to steal the man. 

Now, that anger didn't start brewing when the friend asked her to leave, that anger has always being there and it was brewed by her husband, but she kept it all bottled up until she found an easier target of oppression- her friend).

That lashing out may even cost her that friendship but that is ok by her, to her calculation, her is a better source of expression, a forgone alternative to take away all that pain in her chest.

So what then are the causes of misdirected anger and how can we, as women avoid it?

The anger gap.

There are numerous studies that shows that while anger is a natural human emotion, but how we express it often differs depending on gender.

The anger gap reveals itself in may ways:-

1. Normalisation of anger in men: Anger in men is normalised, in fact, it is seen as an expression of masculinity. So called Soft men have since time past being called sissy's, pussies, girlish, feminine, gay and the likes. 

On the other hand, anger in women is deeply unfeminine. We are taught that it is unnatural and something to be ashamed of. Whole anger is encouraged in men, it is curved in women which inevitably means that the expression of anger between men and women will be deeply gendered.

2. Gendered expression of anger: Stories have shown that women are emote likely to apologise for being anger than men. 

3. Recipient of anger: Not only is anger/aggression encouraged in men as a masculine trait, women are often the target or object of that anger.

Interestingly, when women are also angry, other women and children are also more likely to be the recipient of that anger! The reason is not far fetched. 

Patriarchy is a a system built on gender hierarchy. And. A system built on hierarchy- means that anger would be directed at those below. Imagine a scenario where a man was shouted at at his boss, who does he take out his frustration on?

His wife. 

And when it is the woman who was angered by her husband, she is likely to take that anger on the children. 

What that tells us that on a system as Patriarchy that is built on hierarchy not mutuality, anger is directed down to those below the ladder. 

This invariably means that the person who instigated that anger gets to walk free. If anger is not directed at the instigator but on someone down the ladder, it automatically means that despite the fact that misdirected anger can give us some psychological relief for the pant up frustration we fell, however, nothing changes, systems that were put in place remains and that aggression is bound to happen again because the perpetuator was not held accountable.

This is why I said that that woman's choice to pounce on the side chic and exonerate her anger did not happen in vacuo, that choice was influenced by her subconscious understanding of gendered hierarchy. It might have happened without thought but that doesn't mean that it was not influenced by gendered bias. 

This is why as feminist, we must question even our unconscious and subconscious reactions. We must ask ourselves- what influenced that decision. 

You must ask yourself- who is the recipient of my anger and why did I choose them?

4. Aggravation of anger: We have had phrases like crazy ex, angry black woman, bitter feminist and the likes but have you heard same said about men despite the fact that men perpetuate more than 75% of all violent crimes? 

The reason of this nor far fetched. When anger is normalised in men, it is easy for us to not even notice it as a problem which means that a man can spend the whole dab being angry and violent and it will not be seen as 'out of place' but when it is perpetuated by a woman, it is easily recognisable as problem. 

It is the same way that women are accused of speaking more than men whereas studies have shown that for women to speak at a 50/50 rate with men, 70% of the gathering must be made up of women.

A studies shows when women speak 15% of the time, men are more likely to assume that women dominate the conversation. Just 15% while men spoke 85% of the time!

What this tells us is that social bias aggravate and influences how we see things. 

SOCIAL BIAS DISTORTS PERCEPTION OF REALITY!!!!

The reality is saying that men speak more, the reality is saying men get angry more, but our perception of that reality is saying women are talkative, our perception of that reality is saying that the ex who retaliate is a crazy ex but the man who abused her and drove her on edge is the victim.

⁵. Penalisation of anger: If anger is frowned upon when expressed by women, it necessarily follows that it is sanctioned.

I remember my neighbour being so sad that her son is soft while her daughter is more out-there. Guess what she did?

She started beating her son for not fighting back and beating her daughter for fighting back!

It was Bell Hooks who shared this about her dad's perception of her playing and winning 

On misdirected anger: Causes.

It in incumbent to state that anger is natural. Everyone regardless of gender case the ability to exhibit anger. However, many things influences how we view anger which causes misdirection and these are:

✅ Socialisation to view women as rivals: We women have being raised to see other women as our rivals. Even when she merely laughs with him without more, we begin to act with hostility. 

✅ socialisation to view women as distractions: We have also being raised to see women as distractions. When a man cheats, it is because he was seduced. When he rapes, he is a victim of indecent dressing. Our bias that men are naturally logical has caused us to explain away their illogical actions by blaming women for instigating it.

So if men are merely distracted or seduced,  it only make sense to direct the anger at the object of distraction.

✅ Socialisation to not hold men Accountable: Even when it is the man who took those vows and fail to stay true to it, we still misdirect our anger to women.

I've heard women say things like 'protect another woman's marriage by saying no to the men'. 

They don't hold the men responsible but hold another woman responsible for the vows broken by their husbands. 

✅ Socialisation to accept male headship: Since we view men as above, it only makes sense to express anger on those below- children, other women, maids, those below us. 

It is a master-servant relationship and you already know how that ends. It is not uncommon for those below to be used as frustration outlets. This is what makes it laughable when we claim that submission is anything short of a master-servant relationship.

✅ Socialisation & Normalisation of male wrongs: We have come to normalise male wrongs, so it is easier to give them a cushion landing, it is easier to excuse them for things we'll never excuse women for. We have being socialised to place women on higher social pedestal and judge them unfairly for things we would ordinarily give men a hall pass for. 

✅ Misdirected anger as a defence mechanism: Misdirected anger is often times a defence mechanism. When we stop seeing 'the other woman' as the problem and begin to view our partners as the problem, then, that admission would force us to make different choices. 

Instead of praying that the other woman dies or 'the JuJu' holding him be broken, we will hold him responsible. Instead of fighting the other woman, we will be kicking him out.

Holding men responsible would force is to make decisions that honestly, we might not be ready to make and that decision would likely involve leaving him.

Hence, most women will rather give excuses and look for easier target to express that anger, without the added burden of making unsavoury decisions that they are not ready to make.

What misdirected isn't.

✖️ Misdirected anger doesn't mean 'do not hold women responsible for their wrongs. We're not saying you give your husband's side chic a hug or continue being besties with a woman who has betrayed you or acted in bad faith towards you, rather, you do not hold Women responsible for men's actions.

Also, you have to realise that women, just like men, are capable of wrong. Recognising that someone is capable of wrong is not same as 'excusing their wrong'.  What it means is that we humanise women enough to recognise their propensity to make both good and bad choices, however, that should not translate to viewing women's vices in a harsher, more judgmental light compared to how we would ordinarily address men's wrongs. 

 ✖️ Anger is spoken of here, not as a bad thing but as an object of change. You cannot change what you're not angry about. 

Anger here represents discomfort with the status quo that forces one to take steps to remedy it. There is nothing wrong with anger, It should be recognised and acknowledged not minimised, however, this should not be confused with violent anger issues which is a behavioural flaw. 

The way forward.

✅ View men and women as equal: Women are not built differently, we are just judged differently. Don't judge women for the things you'll ordinarily give men a pass for.

Like Chimamanda Adichie said, "if you criticise X in women and don't criticise X in men, you do not have a problem with X, you have a problem with women". 

In like manner, if you criticise cheating, drunkenness and any other social wrong in women but don't criticise it when it is perpetuated by men, you in fact, do not see anything wrong with cheating, drunkenness, malice etc, but you sure have a problem with women! And it only shows that you have not humanise women enough to recognise their propensity to do wrong.

It has nothing to do with women being built differently and has everything to do with societal double standards.

✅ Leave the Patriarchy alone: The Patriarchy you fight for will not protect you. Know this and, know peace. 

✅Learn, unlearn, relearn: We were all raised into Patriarchy, however, it is high time we started questioning our beliefs and why we hold them. We are way too advanced to keep on repeating same circle.

 ✅Start viewing women as individuals not collectively: We are not saying women can do no wrong, however, a woman's wrongful act is a reflection of herself not a dent on all women. Her wrongful act is a personal behaviour flaw not a prove that women would ordinarily abuse power if allowed to do A,B, C.

Womanhood is not a cult where women come together, play nice in other to make 'all women' look good.

So yes, you might have, in time past, suffer betrayal from women, that doesn't make it an 'all women' problem. The same betrayal, gossip etc we talk of, men do it on a regular, yet, we still relate with them as brothers, friends, fathers, colleagues and husbands.

Don't approach women with stereotypes that they would ordinarily behave a certain way. View women in their individuality and that includes their propensity to do both right and wrong. With the same strength with which you approach male wrong, approach women's wrong in like manner. 

Owning a vagina does not suddenly make a wrongful act worse. 

The issue of misdirected anger is a feminist issue, and we must all look within, and see how we have in time past held women responsible for men's conscious, adult actions and take necessary step to rectify it. And going forward, we must be conscious enough to properly direct our anger to the right source of discomfort and not just on easier target.