THE ANGER GAP & THE FEMALE RAGE: A Feminist Issue.

📷: Saroyan Chemaly- The Rage Becomes Her (2018).

"Patriarchy is a a system built on gender hierarchy. And a system built on hierarchy- means that anger would be directed at those below the ladder"

As can be expected in a patriarchal society that is based on gender hierarchy, there is an anger gap between and women.

Now I know the next question some will have in mind is- Do you now want women to be as angry or violent as men to balance out the equation???

Now, that is in fact a very good question!

It reveals two things. First, we associate anger with violence which is understandable giving that we live in a patriarchal world that in fact views anger as violence and aggression.

Secondly, you realise that there is a deep problem with the male anger and women's inclusion will only makes society worse off.

Now, the third question is, what are we doing about the male anger/aggression? Are we as a society comfortable with it just because men are the overwhelming Perpetuators?

That is a question for you to sit with.

There's a lot more we are heading to so please sit with me. 

The basis of today's discussion is on the deeply gendered anger gap which I hope by now you are not still conflicting it with aggression or violence. 

And if you did, I understand that because that is in fact the Patriarchal lens of viewing anger. Anger according to the patriarchy always leads to violence, murder, rape, femicide, Ozoro rxpe festivals and the likes but anger from the feminist perspective, and as history has taught has more to do with expression of emotions as well as instigating systemic change. 

I'm taking the time to state this because people often assume that feminism is some sort of reverse sexism. If we criticise toxic masculinity that thrives on male aggression while encouraging female rage, then that would invariably mean that that we are comfortable with violence so long as women are the perpetuators right?

No!

You will only arrive at that conclusion if you're trying to understand feminism from a patriarchal stand point. Feminism as well as  the female rage movement will not and has never encouraged GBVs just because the perpetuator is a woman. 

There has never being a time in history where women organise mass rape, rxpe festivals, told men they can't go out without female guardianship, or casually log into a telegram group of 70,000 men from all around the world sharing tips on how to rape their mothers, girlfriends and record it or perpetuate GBVs on a organised, targeted and systemic scale. This has never happened even under matriarchal societies, not even as a response to male aggression. However, his is a common fixture in the Patriarchy. In fact it was fairly recent that rape as a war crime became criminalised international . Then it was seen as 'natiral consequences' of war as if it was something cosmically determined as opposed to a conscious decision to rape. 

Now this is not to say women haven't being violent towards men, but I am talking about violence as institutionalised, normalised and systemic. 

So when feminism speaks of the female rage, one can simply not understand it from the view point of the Patriarchal rage and here is what I mean by the female rage.

The Black and a white Suffragette were angry and took to the street. What happened was women obtained rights to vote.

The Gulabi Gang of India were angry that the police aided and abetted wife beaters. What did they do? They wore their pink Saris, picked up brooms, visited the houses of abusive men and beat them with brooms until authorities were forced to intervene.

The Icelandic women were angry and what did they do? They abandoned their homes and today, they have one of the best gender politics in the world, they have one of the lowest gender pay gaps in the world. They elected their first female prime minister 5 years after their revolution. 

So if we say there is an anger gap, we are saying that anger is crucial to systemic change, the Patriarchy knows that which is why it has successfully dubbed the female rage as unfeminine. What that means is that the patriarchy has chopped our wings. The very drive meant to push us towards demanding better, towards walking away, towards seeking redress, towards picking a fight, towards a radical revolution was clipped. 

And the effect of this is that there is a gaping gap between men and women in literally  ALL areas such as:

- The gender pay gap.

- The promotion gap

- The sleep gap

- The homosocial gap

- The employment gap

- The literacy gap

- The political gaps

- The property gap

- The stem gap

- The research gap

And so many other gaps. 

 And the effect of Patriarchy vilifying the feminine rage is that it is telling us to be quiet, silent, complacent about all these gaps because reacting otherwise is unfeminine, it is unnatural.

Numerous studies have shows that while anger is a natural human emotion, however , our expression of it is deeply gendered. 

Society has tried hard to explain away male anger and male violence as natural while making use of animals as an example as if men are rabid beasts acting purely on primal instinct. 

On one hand, men are called logical to justify the laughable male headship system, on the other hand, men are compared to animals to justify their irrational and erratic actions. One can either be rational or animalistic. There's no 2 ways about it, but apparently, the Patriarchy allows for such paradoxical living that should makes sense to no one literate enough to know their ABCD.

The anger gap reveals itself in may ways:-

1. Normalisation of anger in men: Anger in men is normalised, in fact, it is seen as an expression of masculinity. So called Soft men have since time past being called sissies, pussies, girlish, feminine, gay and the likes. The language used to describe non aggressive men is deeply feminine like simp, pussies, effeminate etc.

On the other hand, anger in women is construed as deeply unfeminine and unsettling. Anger in women is described in masculine terms- tomboy, manly etc. and what that tells us is that anger has no place in a woman's bossom.

Anger as we know is often times reactionary, and by vilifying our legitimate reaction to harm, that's society telling us that ur REACTION to harm has no place in the society. We are taught that it is unnatural and something to be ashamed of. 

While anger is encouraged in men, it is shamed in women which inevitably means that the expression of anger between men and women will be deeply gendered.

2. Gendered expression of anger: Studies have shown that women are more likely to apologise for being angry than men. 

📷: Audrey Lorde.

Women are more likely to use language that passes them off as less aggressive and less authoritative even in professional areas. 

A study of work emails sent by women and men were compared and women were likely to use words like "sorry, just, I'm not expert, it is my opinion...." 

It is so ingrained in us that unconscious, we are tone policing our words. It is almost as if having an opinion is in itself something to be apologetic about.

Men on the other hand are more likely to pass off even personal opinion on a matter like they are authorities in that area even when they had significantly less expertise. Hence, our reaction also is deeply gendered. 

3. Recipient of anger: Interestingly, not only is anger/aggression encouraged in men as a masculine trait, women are overwhelmingly the target or object of that anger which makes sense because the patriarchy has always being fashioned round a predator-prey dynamics.

In an interesting twist of event, not only are women the overwhelming recepients of male anger, women and children are also the overwhelming recepients of female anger! The reason is not far fetched. 

Patriarchy is a a system built on gender hierarchy. And a system built on hierarchy- means that anger would be directed at those below the ladder. Imagine a scenario where a man was shouted at at his boss, who does he take out his frustration on?

His wife. 

He was shouted at his boss during work hours. He was able to control his emotions, but the moment he got home, he bursted out and poured out his anger on her because it was convenient to do so. 

Now the question is: What made her a more convenient outlet?

Him choosing his wife as a more convenient or appropriate 'frustration outlet' is not random! Even in times when we are not thinking, our social biases holds great sway over us and greatly influences our decisions.

Now let's move further. She on the other hand will transfer that aggression on her house help. 

The house help who cannot also talk to madame will wait for her to leave so she can transfer it to the little children under her care.

The children then transfer by kicking their toys, kicking their dogs or bullying weaker children in school. 

Notice the pattern?

Firstly, they all transferred the anger to someone they considered down the ladder and that choice of object was not random, it was based on patriarchal hierarchy. 

What that tells us is that in a system such as Patriarchy that is built on hierarchy not mutuality, anger is directed down to those below the ladder. 

This invariably means that the person who instigated that anger gets to walk free. 

If anger is not directed at the instigator but on someone down the ladder, it automatically means that despite the fact that misdirected anger can give us some psychological relief for the pant up frustration we feel, however, nothing changes. Systems that were put in place remains and that aggression is bound to happen again because the perpetuator was not held accountable.

That anger tickles down to those down the ladder but where it is actually properly directed at the aggressor, then it forces accountability, uncomfortable yet necessary discussion and system change. 

4. Aggravation of anger: Another manifestation of gendered anger is in its psychological aggravation.

Given that we are socialised to view anger as unfeminine in women, it means our brain will tend to aggravate same when perpetuated by a woman.

Mona Elthaway in her book 7 Necessary Sins for Women and Girls said that a man grabbed her butt in a club. She turned around and slapped him and everyone gasped. Note that no one batted an eye when he grabbed her butt in public. Suddenly, she became the aggressor in their eyes. Her reaction to harm was more damning than his harmful actions.

We have heard phrases like crazy ex, angry black woman, bitter feminist and the likes but have you heard same said about men despite the fact that men perpetuate 75% of all violent crimes.  

The reason of this nor far fetched. When anger is normalised in men, it is easy for us to not even notice it as a problem even when we constantly live in fear of men's violence and by that I mean we carry pepper spray or share our location with our girls, learn karate, avoid dark paths at night 'just in case ' even when there is no present harm. Those precautionary steps we take is women living in constant fear of male violence. Yet, yet, we gasp when a woman slap back because that feels like a worse harm than the actions of the aggressor that triggered it. 

 Normalisation of male anger means that a man can spend the whole life being angry and violent and it will not be seen as 'out of place' but when it is perpetuated by a woman, even when it is in response to a harm, it is easily recognisable as problem. 

Mona Elthaway said the bar tender frowned at her fro slapping back. He asked her why she didn't wait for her boyfriend to handle it. So he considered it 'socially acceptable' for a man to slap back on her behalf but wrong for her to do the protecting and self defence herself!

The crux of aggravation of female anger is basically the fact that our perception of male and female rage is such that we tend to over estimate female rage and under estimate male aggression which is what makes it PERTINENT FOR US TO CONFRONT OUR WAYS OF SEEING because we don't only see through our eyes, we perceive through social lense, we filter what we see through social bias and that filteration process determines what information our brain feeds back to us. 

It is the same way that women are accused of speaking more than men whereas studies have shown that for women to speak at a 50/50 rate with men, 70% of the gathering must be made up of women!

Yes, there is even a speech gap.

A studies shows when women speak 15% of the time, men are more likely to assume that women dominate the conversation. Just 15% while men spoke 85% of the time!

What this tells us is that social bias aggravate and influences how we see things. 

SOCIAL BIAS DISTORTS PERCEPTION OF REALITY!!!!

The reality is saying that men speak more, the reality is saying men get angry more, but our perception of that reality is saying women are talkative, our perception of that reality is saying that the ex who retaliate is a crazy ex but the man who abused her and drove her on edge is the victim.

5. Penalisation of anger: If anger is frowned upon when expressed by women, it necessarily follows that it is sanctioned.

I had a neighbour who was deeply troubled that her son was calm while her daughter was energetic. It was a athing of serious concern She started beating him for not beating back. Interestingly, at that time she was simultaneously beating her daughter for fighting back! She died she was too unwomanly. She was taking her daughter while trying to rewire her son to be wild which brings us back to the predator prey dynamic. Tomorrow when he hits his wife and her daughter condones abuse, we will be told that it is only natural for men and women to act that way forgetting all we did to break our sons and daughters.s 

It was Bell Hooks, the veteran feminist mind who shared this about her dad's perception of her playing and winning her brothers at marble:

"...Yet Dad, looking at our play from a patriarchal perspective, was disturbed by what he saw. His daughter, aggressive and competitive, was a better player than his son. His son was passive; the boy did not really seem to care who won and was willing to give over marbles on demand. Dad decided that this play had to end, that both my brother and I needed to learn a lesson about appropriate gender roles.

One evening my brother was given permission by Dad to bring out the tin of marbles. I announced my desire to play and was told by my brother that “girls did not play with marbles,” that it was a boy’s game.

 This made no sense to my four- or five-year-old mind, and I insisted on my right to play by picking up marbles and shooting them. Dad intervened to tell me to stop. I did not listen. 

His voice grew louder and louder. Then suddenly he snatched me up, broke a board from our screen door, and began to beat me with it, telling me, “You’re just a little girl. When I tell you to do something, I mean for you to do it.” He beat me and he beat me, wanting me to acknowledge that I understood what I had done. 

His rage, his violence captured everyone’s attention. Our family sat spellbound, rapt before the pornography of patriarchal violence"

From childhood the male/female anger dichotomy is beaten into us, yet society wants is to believe it is naturally occuring not a product of separated indoctrination.

The Take Home.

By now you would have noticed something in my speech. While I criticise male violence, on the other hand I encourage female rage. Now, this might come up as pretentious but it isn't because that is indeed necessary to equalise and balance things out. 

The Patriarchy threads on extremities eg  resounding dominance from men and grovelling submission from women. There's no middle course. 

For instance,if I Ms A has 8 oranges while Mr B has 2 oranges, the only way to get them to meet at the middle is for Ms A to give up 3 oranges to Mr B. Now, for Ms A who is used to getting 8 oranges, suddenly taking away 3 from her to give to Mr B feels like oppression. 

There's this popular feminist quote that reads: "To the privileged, equality feels like oppression".

Ms A feels it is Oppressive to take 3 oranges away from her while conveniently forgetting that the only reason she has 8 was at the expense of Mr B who was deprived of 3. 

This also explains the alpha male movement rage against feminism because equality will always come at the price of the privilege letting go of some of their privilege so that the oppressed can stand at per. 

I'm saying this because I've heard men say that while feminism urge women to be strong, if is also trying to 'effeminise men'.

It's simple, for a man who has been taught mindless dominance, he must embrace softness and for a woman who has being taught grovelling submission, she must embrace rage to be at per. 

If is Kimberly Crenshaw who said "Treating different things the same can generate as much inequality as treating the same things differently".

Pls sit down and ponder on this for some minutes.  

She is saying that you cannot achieve equality by addressing different things like they are the same, same way you cannot achieve equality by addressing the same things differently!

Men and women were not raised the same, our socialisation processes differs greatly, they are polar opposites and so must our approach to tackling same. 

Now, the only way to balance this out is for men to let go of some of that rage and women to find some their rage. That way they meet in the middle with both sides shedding the extreme ends that the patriarchy has shoved men and women to- resounding dominance Vs grovelling submission.

So thank you, for staying to the very end with me. I'll cherish your thoughts, likes, share and comments. 

Look out for my follow up article on misdirected anger!

Recommended books I've read on this subject which you should absolutely see. 

1. Saroyan Chemaly- The Rage Becomes Her.

(On female rage)

2. Mona Elthaway- 7 Necessary Sins For Women & Girls.

(On indoctrination women are girls should let go of).

3. Dr Jessica Taylor- Sexy But Psycho 

(on how the patriarchy uses the medical/psychiatric fueled to silence women's voices).

                -  Dogo Joy Njeb Esq.

DOGO JOY NJEB Esq is a practicing lawyer and founder of SheResonance Awareness. She has worked with Legal Aid Council Nigeria and is a member of Federation of Female lawyers on Nigeria where she renders pro bono services to indigent persons. She is a private practitioner, a writer and an aspiring author. For any questions, contact her on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, tiktok, x, or send a mail to sheresonance@gmail.com

SheResonance is focused on grassroot activism. We lend our voices to women whose voices are stifled. We break down complex issues of GBV into easily digestible form from a legal perspective. At SheResonance we practices intersectional feminism. If one women is in chains, for her sake the fight should continue. Every story deserves to be heard!

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