GENDERED LANGUAGE AT THE HEART OF WOMEN'S OPPRESSION: Why Language Matters & what language to use (pt 1).

📸: Addiction Training Institute.

"We cannot make progress by using the language of the oppressor to tell our own stories and describe our oppression... What we say is as important as the words we use to describe them".

Language psychology tells you that language is a window to the soul.

In fact, Freudian slip (slip of tongue) is said to reveal the true state of a man's mind because your beliefs unconsciously shapes the language you choose.

For instance, a woman who uses the word "husband house" and a woman who uses the word "matrimonial home" are operating on two different set of beliefs regarding their position in their marriage and home. 

Our choice of words might feel random, it might not be intentional, nonetheless, it is deeply rooted in our belief system.

At the heart of female oppression is the language used in describing our stories, our lived experiences, our oppression which makes it pertinent to examine ones choice of words as well as the beliefs behind them.

Reclaiming language as important to Women's Liberation.

Over the years, feminists and freedom fighters have framed new terminologies to describe women's experiences and oppression, we have had words like gaslighting, negging, love bombing, mansplaining, mirroring, Matilda effect, husband stitch and a host of others which many women could relate to. 

This is so because "We cannot make progress  by using the language of the oppressor to tell our own stories and describe our oppression"

Someone once said feminists are always coming up with new words everyday but the truth remains that, "at the heart of every liberation is the need to use newer words that best represents the lived experiences of that group"

I have heard men describe rape as surprise sex, describe minors as underaged woman. Should I as a feminist use the same vocabulary?

This is not limited to the feminist movement, every human rights movement experiences change in vocabulary. For instance, during the civil right movement in America, the emancipated enslaved Black people frown at being called ni*ga to being called humans, they moved from being called slaves to being called enslaved people, they also developed the African-American Vernacular English (AAVE) which boasts of a robust dictionary of vocabulary.

We have seen People Living With Disability frown at being called disabled people to People Living With Disability. We are currently seeing similar trend with the LGBTQ+ movement. 

You know why? Because Language follows the dominant class! Language is not gender neutral, language is not racially neutral, it follows the dominant class, it responds to power.

Like the popular saying goes "If the prey does not learn to tell its story, the tale of the hunt will always glorify the hunter". That is basically language responding to power. 

Often times, the dominant class give the oppressed class very few words to use to describe their oppression. 

Let me sight an example. During the slavery era, some enslaved people ran away from their awful slave masters, they called it fighting for their freedom and what did the slave masters did?

In 1851, one of them in person of Dr. Samuel A. Cartwright, a Louisiana physician developed a clinical disorder known as Drapetomania which made it a mental disorder for a slave to run away from his master! Cartwright claimed that slavery was the natural state for Black people and that Blacks were so happy in bondage such that only a "disordered mind" would want to escape their chains.

This was an actual diagnosis that enslaved people were diagnosed with.

Women are not any different. The world being largely patriarchal, women have also suffered an unquantifiable amount of restrictions derived from language designs. 

The medical procedure hysterectomy which is the surgical evacuation of a woman's womb was coined as a treatment for hysteria which is a catchall phrase that covers any act of excitement or deep trouble displayed by women, including experiencing orgasm during sex.

This even led to wide spread incarceration and lobotomy (surgical removal of the prefrontal lope, the part of the brain responsible for thinking). This was recommended as a treatment for millions of women. (Same is documented in this earlier article of mine).

The need for newer words and vocabulary in every freedom fight is employed for some reasons such as:-

✅ Deconstruction of oppression: Language often time reflects the construct of the dominant class and deconstructing oppression always necessitates the use of newer words to describe the lived experience of the oppressed group. 

For instance, when Blacks referred to themsleves as The Enslaved and not slaves, they were saying slavery is not a natural state of being, no one was born a slave, one can only be enslaved by a deliberate system design. They no longer understood their conditions through the eyes of the slavers but through theirs. 

✅ Reclaiming and unshrouding the shame attached to identity language: An example of use of language for reclamation and unshrouding is the use of the word pussy.

Men who are non violent are often described as woman wrapper, sissy, woman, pussy or simp. Per the rule books of the patriarchy, describing a man with feminine words is shameful because it is predicted on a culture that sees women as less than men, such that it is considered insulting for a man to be described as being woman-like?

As such, language is essential in reclaiming and unshrouding shame. 

✅ Recognising patterns: For thousands of years, women experience the same problem in isolation because we had no word to describe it. We were isolated by language!

In Betty Friedan's Feminine Mystique, she described what she called 'the problem without name' because numerous research showed that house wives in America were suffering intense depression. It was widespread yet everyone was trying to overcome it in isolation because it had no name until she named it.

How can we recognise a thing as a problem when we do not even have the words to describe them?

How can we proffer solution to a problem without a name?

The absence of a defining word is an isolator. Putting a word to a problem singles it out. Now women can name it, now victims can talk about it, now victims can recognise patterns when it happens, now victims can form a community of people with shared lived experience. 

This is the power of naming!

This is the power of language!

To properly conceptualise it, imagine a world where no body has a distinct name? Everybody is just a boy or a girl? Can you imagine the chaos? Everyone simply existing without a unique identifier. 

This is what the Patriarchy has robbed women of- The power to name the wrong that has being done to us.

On a number of occasions when I make a post, my readers told me "I have being there but I didn't know how to put it to words. Thank you for putting words to this".

One time I talked about non-physical sexual abuse and someone told me "There is nothing like non-physical sexual abuse, all sexual abuse must be physical".

This is in fact curious because if we are to go by his definition, it means sexual abuse like cyber stalking, revenge porn, fetish mining, unsolicited dick pics, A.I generated nude videos of women. All these GBVs does not involve physically meeting the victim or are carried out over the internet. By claiming that sexual violence can only be physical, he sought to constrict what should constitute harm to a woman. 

"And the only person who benefits from the limited vocabulary of the opressed are the beneficiaries of oppression".

At the heart of oppression is the constriction of language as the oppressors will always seek to use language that gives them leeway to do what they want. For instance, when Section 6 of the Nigerian Criminal Code Act defines rape as the unlawful carnal knowledge is connection that takes place otherwise than between a husband and wife, it manifestly used the construction of words to legalise rape within marriage. 

Now the question is which gender are overwhelmingly represented in the legislative house? men.

Who does passed the law benefit? Men.

Whether we admit it or not, language responds to the ruling class and all it takes is the construction of words to give or take away ones rights. 

For centuries, men have controlled the machinery of language. 

Language is power and it matters as much as the story we tell, how we tell that story and who is telling the story.

✅ Language unconsciously rewires your brain and influences your perception. This is in fact the whole essence of language psychology. 

A study reveals and answer the question that first, it is impossible to disentangle language from thought. Secondly, it is impossible to disentangle language from culture in general. This means your choice of words is formed and greatly influenced by collective consciousness. Thirdly, that language gives new factual information. Let me give you an example. 

A woman claimed that she was raped. 

Woman A asked her: "What did you do?"

Woman B asked her: "What happened?"

Now, who do you think she will feel safer speaking to?

Secondly, what does that reveal to you about woman A & Woman B? (I'll give you some seconds to think)

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For me, Woman A choice of words connotes a consciousness of shared culpability. Without saying more, I can tell that she believes that a woman by her actions can trigger rape or contribute to the harm done to her by her dressing, going out at night etc. 

Woman B on the other hand is asking a genuine enquiry. She is opened to listening. 

Just a four word sentence revealed their unconscious state. Just that one sentence without more determined who is a safer person to confine in.

But the good news is, having become aware of this, you will begin to find patterns in people's choice of words that you ordinarily would have overlooked. Further, you will begin to find patterns in your own choice of words that you previously did not notice and it can be very discomforting and even troubling. 

But the good thing is, the brain is very malleable. Studies shows that doing things things that makes you afraid rewires your brain. It is called neuroplasticity. Each time consciously do something that you would have otherwise not done, you rewire your brain and strengthen your prefrontal lope, the part of the brain responsible for high-level thinking, managing how you plan, focus, make decisions, regulate emotions, and control impulses.

Same applies to your conscious decision to introspect and ask yourself- 

Why do I chose the words I use?

What influences my choice of words?

What does my choice of words say about my subconscious being?

What better alternatives can I use? 

Your choice of language is directly linked to your level of self awareness!

It is said that the highest form of intelligence is METACOGNITION. Metacognition is basically being conscious of your own thoughts. This is not just worry or thinking. Behind those thoughts, what influences it?

The National Library of Medicine describes it as the "ability to be aware of one’s cognitive processes (metacognitive knowledge) and to regulate them (metacognitive control)".

Part of that awareness is recognising that your choice of words is not random, it reveals your true state of mind, your subconscious thought, cultural influences and other influences you might not be aware of.

Our choice of words shouldn't merely be left to the subconscious, we should make conscious choice towards choosing your words. 

The whole point of this article is to work with you towards your journey to making your vocabulary more EGALITARIAN. If this is you, then this is the post made specially for you? 💕  

This might seem small and inconsequential but it would open your brain to a whole new portal of understanding and I am saying this as a person who has practiced de-gendering my language and thoughts for about 5 years now. 

For a more egalitarian world, gendered language rooted in patriarchy must be discarded. Some of which are:

Gendered language in describing bodies.

✖️ "That part" or "lady bits"

✅ Vagina, breasts or penis.

*Vagina is not vulgar. It is a word that describes a body part like eyes, nose, mouth. You don't need euphemistic words to describe same. Treating it as such buys into the culture that cloaks women's bodies in shame. Remember, vagina is not vulgar, it is simply a body part*

✖️ "It is that time of the month" or "the red visitor has arrived" etc

✅ "She's on her period" or "She is menstruating"

*It is a wonder that something as natural as menstruation would be cloaked in so much shame. This has left many young girls being caught unawares, unable to describe their menarche (first menstruation) because their mothers and educators kept using euphemistic words to describe it hence leaving them unprepared

In the words of  Maia Schwartz, "Menstruation is the only blood that is not born from violence, yet it’s the one that disgusts you the most".

✖️ Beauty with brain 

✅ Beautiful

*People often talk about beauty and brains like they are mutually exclusive, as if a woman has to either chose between being beautiful or being brainy and it is such a rarity to find a woman who possesses both. You're simply beautiful and that very fact of being beautiful carries follow-on packages which includes your brain, your skills, your sexuality and everything that makes you you. You do not have to explain that despite being beautiful, you're also brainy.

The very fact men do not have to be described as handsome and brainy because it is just assumed that their handsomeness does not dim their intelligence should tell you all you need to know about that phrase*

✖️ Big and bold

✅ Big or plus size.

*This is similar to beauty and brain. This is rooted in fatphobia that expects certain women to look at their body in shame. As stated earlier, you don't have to explain that you're bold just because you're big. No one says slim and proud because beauty standards assumes that for us*

 

✖️Black and beautiful 

✅ Black.

*This has deep root in colourism that sets Eurocentric beauty as the ideal body type everyone should aspire to. 

You don't hear "white and beautiful' because same is assumed. Whiteness is linked to beauty. The phrase might sound empowering but it has far outlived its usefulness.*

Gendered language in dating/marriage to avoid. 

✖️ "You're different, you're not like other girls"

✅ "You are unique" or "You are talented"

*You can afford to compliment a woman's strength and unique attributes without making it about how all other women are less than. It is not a competition neither is it a compliment. 

This language, though masked as compliment reveals how the man in fact views women. Womanhood is not an inherent flaw that you need to create an exception for the woman you love. It is not a compliment to be isolated from your own kind*

✖️ "He made me a woman"

✅ "I am a woman"

*A man's penis does not have what it takes to make you a woman, same way it does not have what it takes to make you a slut or unclean or defiled. Every human simply grows from a girl to a woman*

✖️ She is childless.

✅She is childfree.

*Having children does not make a woman any more or less. You're simply a woman. Motherhood is just one part of womanhood*

✖️ "She is leftover"

✅ "She is single or a spinster"

*A woman's value is not tied to having a ring on her finger.*

✖️ Unmarried 

✅ Single or spinster.

Singleness is not a pre-stage to finding a man and a woman's life is not defined by her relationship with a man.

Singleness is not a plan B or a failure to bag a man, singlehood is simply the default state of being. Everyone was born as single and many women out there do not wish to be wives and that is ok. Our path to happiness suffers. 3.5 billion women cannot all crave the same things out of life*

✖️ "I now pronounce you man and wife"

✅ "I now pronounce you husband and wife"

*Historically, a man's position does not change mindless of his relationship with a woman

 Throughout life, he is Mr Ken John while a woman has a shaky identity that changes based on the man 'in charge of her life'.

As a spinster under her father's care, she is Miss Barbie Phelps.

As a married woman, she is Mrs Barbie Ken. 

As a divorcee, she is expected to go back to being Miss Barbie Phelps.

Should she remarry Mr Norman, she is expected to become Mrs Barbie Norman

Should she divorce him, she is expected to go back to being Miss Barbie Phelps.

Should she marry a third time to Mr Ernest, she is expected to become Mrs Barbie Ernest and change all her government documents to reflect all these changes.

Mr Ken on the other hand remains Mr Ken throughout his life, throughout his 5 marriage and 5 divorces. Nothing changes about him, he is known for being a man, she on the other hand is known for being something to a man- a daughter or a wife. It is her relationship to a man that defines her identity. Hence, phrases like that should be ditched. 

Change of name also makes it had to trace women's family trees using names. Some of you know your great grand fathers name, do you know where his wife came from or what her name is? This is how history systematically erases women. Same goes for...*

✖️ Miss/Mrs

✅ Ms

*Women should embrace using one identity from cradle to the grave. Remain Ms Barbie Phelps throughout life, throughout all marriages, just like Mr Ken John*

✖️ My husband's house

✅ My matrimonial home.

*It doesn't matter who paid for or owns the house, the house you and your spouse occupies is your matrimonial home. You're not a stranger given allowances to live there. You have a right of place to live there.

The Violence Against Person's Act makes it a punishable crime to throw out a spouse out of the matrimonial home mindless of who owns it. Realising this determines how you move around, conduct, carry, protect and speak for yourself in your matrimonial home*

✖️ "His children"

✅ "Our children"

*Historically women were viewed as necessary evils tolerated only for their ability to continue a man's lineage while her identity dies with her. Your children are yours as much as his if not more. And most importantly, there is absolutely nothing wrong in a woman's children jointly bearing her surname.

This is also grounded in biological realities. Unlike that sold to us by the Patriarchy, family kinship is traced through daughters because Mitochondrial DNA (MitDNA) can only be passed through daughters. 

When a man and  marries and impregnates his wife, he cannot pass his mitDNA to his children, but that of the mother passes to both daughters and son. When that son marries, he cannot pass his mitDNA to his offspring, it is that of his wife that passes. His ends and dies with him. Biology is matriarchal. This is why it is said that all humans on earth can be traced to one Mitochondrial Eve. Read. Only the Patriarchy can successfully launch and market the lie that lineages passes through sons.*

✖️ "If you submit to him he will love you"

✅ "If there is mutual respect, he will love and respect you"

*An adult of full age and mental capacity need not and should not submit to another human. What is needed and should be central to every relationship should be mutual respect for each other*

✖️ He is the head, I am the neck

✅ I am a human of full age and capacity 

*The male headship system is greatly flawed system that is not based on merit or competence but genital*.

✖️ Men want respect, women want love.

✅ Every relationship should be based on mutual love and respect.

*Respect and love knows no gender. This strict categorisation is a product of patriarchal conditioning*

✖️ Men are logical, women are emotional

✅ A full rounded human is in touch with the full range of their emotions which includes hard and soft emotions like crying, anger, strength, vulnerability. 

"This is not nature, it is nurture. Boys from a tender age are taught to be emotionally suppressive because it makes them look weak. 

A woman should express anger as much as a man can express pain and vulnerability.

Most importantly, emotion is not the opposite of logic. Being emotional does not make one less logical and all humans are capable of emotion. An angry man is expressing emotions just like a crying woman"*

Gendered language in describing sexual violence.

✖️ Non consensual sex or reluctance 

✅ Rape.

*Sex can only be consensual and nothing more. The phrase Non consensual sex is an aberration that seeks to minimise a serious issue. Like someone said, if you're robbed you wouldn't call it non consensual borrowing. You either give it freely or not*

✖️ "She is a slut"

✅ "She had sex"

*A woman is simply a woman before, during and after sex. The number of sex she has does not make her less of a human. A man's penis does not have the power to change a woman.

She is not worn out, used, ran through, have a high mileage/body count. She simply had sex and a man's penis is not big enough to make a woman slack. She literally pushes a 10c cm head out of her vagina*

✖️ "She has being defiled"

✅ "He raped her"

*A woman does not become stained or tainted based on what someone else has done to her. If a person was robbed, you will not call that person 'a robbed man'. Rape is not a descriptive term. You cannot use a person's affliction or violation to describe them.*

✖️ Fuck, bang, destroy, gbensh, drill, pipe, gbim etc

✅ Sex or love making 

* Why do we use words of conquest to describe consensual relationship? Gloria Steinem describe words like these as sexualised violence. Even the very act of sex (consensual). is described with violent undertone. Sex is framed as something a man does to her as opposed to her being a willing participant and enjoying same *

✖️ "20 women were raped"

✅ "20 women were raped by (10) men(names can be included)."

*We cannot talk about GBV while erasing the perpetuator from the discussion. The perpetuator is not an innocuous bystander, he is an active participant and aggressor. Talking about women who were raped without the men who raped women is the very beginning of injustice and erasure of the perpetuator in a crime of his own making*

✖️ "What did you do?"

✅ "What happened"

*Your friend or daughter came back home from her matrimonial home tattered and crying, I stead of asking her 'what did you do?' which presupposes that you're already blaming her for triggering the harm that happens to her even before hearing her out, ask her instead "what happened", this shows your willingness to enquire from a neutral ground not victim blaming angle.

✖️ "Even if you're not in the mood just lie down and let your husband do it"

✅ Marital rape.

*Women's bodies do not exist to dish out sex every time a man wants it. He should respect her body enough to respect her NO when she is not ready. Marriage does not make rape less undesirable.

There is a lot more changes you will make as you effect these!

This might look like minor changes but choice of words have a way of rewiring your brain and making you more conscious of all the ways bias seeps into our languages. 

Look forward to our part two

Feel free to like, comment share. Any topic you want us to talk about, kindly comment.

                            - Dogo Joy Njeb Esq.

DOGO JOY NJEB Esq is a practicing lawyer and founder of SheResonance Awareness. She has worked with Legal Aid Council Nigeria and is a member of Federation of Female lawyers on Nigeria where she renders pro bono services to indigent persons. She is a private practitioner, a writer and an aspiring author. For any questions, contact her on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, tiktok, x, or send a mail to sheresonance@gmail.com

SheResonance is focused on grassroot activism. We lend our voices to women whose voices are stifled. We break down complex issues of GBV into easily digestible form from a legal perspective. At SheResonance we practices intersectional feminism. If one women is in chains, for her sake the fight should continue. Every story deserves to be heard!