GENDERED LANGUAGE part II: The Language of Violence and why language matters.
"We cannot address the issue of WHY DO MEN RAPE without addressing the language used to frame and describe violence"
In 2015, a study was conducted by University of North Dakota and the North Dakota State University. Its sample size was 86 students. Roughly one third of male university students.
(Emphasis on the underlined words)
In that study, male students were asked if they will have sex with a woman against her will “if nobody would ever know and there wouldn’t be any consequences.”
Interestingly, 31.7% of all men participant answered in the affirmative. The question was then reframed and the same group of men were asked if they will rape a woman if they were sure they could get away with it.
Interestingly, the number of men who answered in the affirmative dropped from 31.7% to 13.6%.
The only difference was in the word- use of force and rape!
The same action, different words of description; drastic change in replies.
This also gives you a sneak peak into the mind of the abuser- it shows a lot of rapists so not in fact consider themselves as rapists. They do not even view what they did as rape!
This is not an isolated experience.
Last year, the 72 year old French National Giselle Pelicot learned that over the cause of 10 years, her husband drugged her. He made a public call on an online website inviting men to rape her and he videoed her. They were married for 50 years and had children and grand kids.
About 100 men participated. These men were ordinary men- brothers, husbands, business men, doctors, men from all works of life. One even missed the birth of his daughter because he was raping Giselle!
During the trial, Husamettin Dogan, one of the 52 men aged 26 - 74 years who were convicted appealed his conviction. In his words "I’m not a rapist.. This is too much for me to bear..."
Another of her rapist said that Pelicot is her husband, if he consented, that amounts to consent on the part of Gisele.
Just to give you a clear picture on people's perception of what constitutes rape- during the trial, one of the perpetrator's wife stood in solidarity with her husband.
One describe her husband as "...a normal guy. We were good, we were normal"
Another described her husband Jean Luc-L as "a good husband and father..., he never hit me. I often refused sex. He insisted but then if I refused, he would be unhappy and then leave... I was in shock, but I think that because I refused him sex, as a man, that's why he found it elsewhere."
Notice the pattern- both the perpetrator and their wives described the act as anything other than rape. He was anything but a rapist. One even accused Gisele of pretending to sleep claiming he thought she was in on it.
During the trial, one of the lawyers asked Gisele "At what point was the sexual activity rape"
In 2014, Brock Turner, a Stanford student raped a woman on campus and his father wrote a tweet describing his son as 'non violent'. In his words "That is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action out of his 20 plus years of life".
If rape is not enough to describe a man as violent, then what is?
If rape itself is insufficient to label a man a rapist, what then is?
If men can, by their choice of words avoid accountability and labels, can their victim also 'choose to' avoid the trauma and pains that comes with her experience?
The point of this article is- "We cannot address the issue of WHY MEN RAPE without addressing the language used to frame and describe violence"
Socialisation and acceptance of women of gendered language.
Not only are boys taught to use their words to downplay the violence they perpetuate, girls are also taught to be accepting of and minimise it by their choice of words and it starts from seemingly innocuous things.
Girls are told "if a man touches you...". She does not fully conceptualise what rape means because it is described in vague terms.
Some years back, a lady (now an adult) described her experience with rape. She said when she was little, her uncle raped her repeatedly.
Then, she did not have the language to describe what happened to her. She only felt that what uncle did was wrong. She didn't know that it was wrong, it was only a feeling! Not until she grew up and learnt that what happened to her was rape.
I always say that sex education is incomplete if it does not include how to identify sexual assault, what is appropriate and inappropriate.
Your children should not 'feel like' something is wrong, they should be taught to know that it is wrong and that should start with the words used to describe the genitals.
Some people might think this is too much but we do not need to use euphemisms to describe the vagina, breast, penis, menstruation etc.
Doing so passes the message to the child that it is shameful. You should not tell your kid "don't let a man touch your thing". What is thing? And why is it shameful to call the vagina by its proper word?
There is nothing vulgar about the vagina or penis, it is simply another part of the body like the eye, nose mouth. We don't need another word to describe those parts of the body so why should we shy away from describing the vagina by it's proper name?
This is in fact very crucial in victim's ability to describe what happened to them.
In a study on why victims do not report rape, it shows that only 18% of the adult women and 11% of children reported the rape.
This study reveals that "For adult women, the primary reason for not reporting seemed to combine a type of guilt as well as embarrassment".
Someone said "You can tell a lot about a people not just by the things they say but by what they refuse to say." (Paraphrased).
This is one of my favourite quotes because it reveals the psychology of language and children pick this.
When they see you describe eye, ears, legs by their proper name but when it comes to certain region of the body, you talk in hush voice, or you are dismissive, they decode the hidden meaning in what you are refusing to say which is - Shame.
In many cases of sexual assault, the parents only get to know when the child is pregnant or sick because they are too scared to confide in their parents who should be their confidant.
How do you expect your child to speak to you about rape when you have only handed them the language of shame in describing their bodies and what happens to their bodies?
It is your job as a parent to unshroud shame. Your daughters, your sons should not look upon their body with shame because that shame disarms their language.
They should learn FROM HOME that their bodies is not a thing of shame
They should learn FROM HOME that, in the words of Gisele Pelicot, "The shame is not theirs to bear". The shame is that of the abuser".
They should learn FROM HOME that perpetrator is 100% responsible for their decision to rape. Victims should not share the blame or shame.
Language is very crucial!
A study reveals that women are less likely to describe rape as rape but as harassment.
Can you see the similarities between this study and the earlier study of men who said they will sleep with a woman against her will but wouldn't rape a woman?
I did some reading on language psychology and our choice of words is not random, and most importantly, our choice of words greatly influences our actions. The choice of words either moves you body to act to restrains you. One cannot divorce choice of words from actions!
Another research shows that language alone is a major reason women do not report rape!
In these studies;
"One-half or more of all women who have had an experience that might meet the definition of rape do not label themselves rape victims... The present study examined the actual rape experiences of 33 women who labeled their assault experience as rape and 56 women who did not label their assault experience as rape through questionnaires and open-ended descriptions of what happened during their assault..."
More on these studies show that women were less likely to label what happened to them as rape when the perpetrator is a boyfriend, a husband, where she was drunk, or it involves oral or digital rape (non-consensual penetration with fingers or toes or objects).
Not only are boys taught to downplay the harmful effect of rape, girls are also taught to be accepting of it and downplay it in how we describe it.
It is not even to 'give women voices', but are women armed with the proper words to describe their experiences?
Another way socialisation/ parenting plays in affecting our descriptive words show up when a young girl complains about being bullied or constantly irritated by a classmate and she is told that "he is doing it because he loves her but he is too shy to say it", This teaches the girl to normalise violence as love and teaches the boy that he harm and love can coexist. If he is too shy to say 'I love you', why isn't he too shy to go out of his way to harm her?
While we think this is harmless, the Nigeria Demographic and Health Survey (NDHS) reports that approximately 28% of Nigerian women justify wife beating in some circumstances. Some believe a husband who does not love you will not beat you. Luckily this number is fast dropping, however, there is huge disparity shown amongst uneducated, rural women.
Gendered language & The View Point of Violence: Confronting our Ways of seeing.
From whose eyes do we see? From whose point of view do we conceptualise violence?
We cannot change our language of violence unless we change the perspective from which we view violence.
Society's attitude toward rape and violence is still being viewed from the view point of the rapist. Take for instance Brock Turner's father who described his son as 'non violent' and the act of rape as '20 minutes of actions'. If he was to view it from the point of view of his son's victim, he would have described it as violence, he would have described it as rape!
📸: Brock Turner Father's tweet (BBC).
We have seen this perpetrator viewpoint play out even in the Court!
This might not be so evident in Nigeria because rape has a fixed sentence (14 years). In countries like the United States where the judge has the levity to determine how many years the perpetrator spends in jail, this has being a major issue. Brock Turner got only 6 months for his rape.
Just this month May 2026, there was a public outcry in France. 3 underaged boys (13 & 15 years) gang raped 2 underaged girls, filmed it and posted it online. They posted it themsleves!
The judge in his sentencing gave them Youth Rehabilitation Orders (YRO) with 180 days of intensive surveillance and supervision.
As reported by BBC, the Southampton Crown Court, Judge Nicholas Rowland said: "I should avoid criminalising these children unnecessarily and understand the effects of their behaviour and support their reintegration into society".
He further said that the boys were of "very young" ages and "None of you need to go to prison today." These were boys with 10 count charge on rape and sexual assault between themsleves.
In an Ireland case that led to an acquittal, counsel urged the jury to consider that it is consensual because "You have to look at the way she was dressed. She was wearing a thong with a lace front.”
This is what happens when people who haven't confronted their ways of seeing occupies places of authority. A SEXIST MAN IS ALSO A SEXIST JUDGE and it would be blind foolery to assume infallibility on the oath of a man just because he sits on a certain chair!
The question we all should ask ourselves is this?
At what point do we stop viewing assault through the eye of the perpetrator?
At what point do we stop sympathising with the perpetrator?
At what point do we stop feeling sorry when perpetrators are held criminally responsible for their actions?
At what point do we stop using our language to minimise the harmful effect of rape and sexual violence?
At what point do we start viewing abuse through the perspective of victims?
The language of violence is heavily influenced by the fact that people keep seeing violence
The language of reporting violence
Stats reveal that a whooping 97% of sexual assault offenders are male. Men are over represented in rape of women, other men, children, the aged, animals and corpses. Yet we only say that 1 out of 3 women experience sexual assault while completely remaining silent about it, so who then assault these women?
This silence pushes the perpetrators to the sidelines. The search light must be placed squarely on the perpetrators also.
Language matters.
Our choice of words must be conscious.
We must stop watering down the harshness of rape by using euphemism to describe rape.
2 months ago, rape was described, not as rape but as a festival in Ozoro, Delta State. When the word 'festival' is used, it connotes celebration. This is a 7 day long festival that happens every year in Ozoro, yet no one said a thing because it was viewed through the eye of the perpetrator, and when you view rape through the eye of the perpetrator, all you see is festival, pleasures he derived, 20 minutes of actions.
If society is comfortable living in a world riddled with rape culture then society should be ready to sit through the discomfort. Use the proper word to describe it, don't try to describe it with less harsher words.
Some words and sentence to avoid.
✖️ Non-consensual sex.
Sex is and can only be consensual. There is nothing like non consensual sex. If it is not consensual, it is rape.
✖️ Underaged woman
A woman cannot be underaged, if she is, then she is simply a girl.
✖️ She is too mature for her age.
We often criticise underaged girls who are already sexually active while being silent about the adult who introduced her to such a lifestyle at such a young age.
There is nothing like a minor who is too 'mature' for her age, rather, we have a minor who has being repeatedly sexually assaulted.
The mere fact that a minor has been exposed to such a harrowing experience does not excuse sexual assault.
Once, during a discussion about child sexual assault, someone said some of the children are even more experienced than the adult.
It only shows that they are more in need of protection now than ever before. Just because she has already been exposed to sexual activity doesn't make the assault less of rape.
Our laws on rape does not only protect virgins or good girls, it protects all.
"What were you wearing?" ✖️
"Why were you out at night?"✖️
"What were you doing in his room"✖️
"Why were you drunk"✖️
"Haven't you slept with him before?"✖️
"Didn't he pay your bride price?"✖️
Any question that shifts the blame on the victim is victim blaming.
RAPE CANNOT BE PROVOKED and rape is not justifiable in any circumstance! A person raped simply because they wanted to do so. As such, the perpetrator is 100% responsible.
There is no 'safe position'. If we criticise a woman for being out at night, what about the fact that over 30% of rape happen in the house and it is perpetrated by family members? What about children, what about women in hijab, what about women raped in their homes?
We must not only change our language but also change our focus.
✖️ Differentiating between rape, assault and harassment. This is crucial in ensuring we don't water down what happened by our use of language. Studies shows women will rather describe rape as harassment; this is watering down it's intensity.
Rape typically involves physical penetration of the mouth, vagina or anus with a penis, fingers or object. This means both men and women can be guilty of rape.
Sexual assault is an umbrella term used to describe any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without explicit consent. This is usually physical but non penetrative, unwanted sexual encounters like groping, fondling, or forcing someone to touch the perpetrator in a sexual way can be termed sexual assault.
Sexual harassment is a more broader term that can describe both non-physical or physical conduct of a sexual nature that is unwanted and creates a hostile, intimidating, or offensive environment.
Non physical sexual harassment includes stalking, unsolicited dick pics, catcalling, fetish mining, inappropriate comments, spy cams during sexual intercourse, revenge porn (distributing someone's intimate moment), leering, verbal humiliation and sexual degradation etc.
Physical sexual harassment covers serious crimes like rape, groping, etc.
In a Nutshell
It is PERTINENT & INCUMBENT to be mindful of our choice of language in reporting, in analysis, in everything we because Language matters!
Feel free to like, comment share. Any topic you want us to talk about, kindly comment.
- Dogo Joy Njeb Esq.
DOGO JOY NJEB Esq is a practicing lawyer and founder of SheResonance Awareness. She has worked with Legal Aid Council Nigeria and is a member of Federation of Female lawyers on Nigeria where she renders pro bono services to indigent persons. She is a private practitioner, a writer and an aspiring author. For any questions, contact her on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, tiktok, x, or send a mail to sheresonance@gmail.com.
SheResonance is focused on grassroot activism. We lend our voices to women whose voices are stifled. We break down complex issues of GBV into easily digestible form from a legal perspective. At SheResonance we practices intersectional feminism. If one women is in chains, for her sake the fight should continue. Every story deserves to
be heard!
You can also visit my K-drama review page K-DRAMA UNFILTERED for the fun of it.
Comments
Post a Comment