CAN MEN BE FEMINISTS?: The Role of Male Allyship.

 

Ezra Olubi, the co-founder of paystack shook the internet this week when a myriad of his 2010-2012 tweets surfaced. 

He authored more than 30 posts where he casually talked about dating and rxping children, cats, contacting STI from his non consensual relationships with cats and the likes.

Even more is the fact that he is indeed a man who strategically surrounded and barricaded himself with very prominent Nigerian feminists as friends and this includes gifting them huge financial favours.

He also identified as feminists, progressive, queer and was in open relationship with many women some of whom were progressive leaning. 

In the wake of his unveiling we found out he had so many affairs with employees including many cases of abuse as detailed by his ex girlfriend Max. Above all, he was very rich so he had the funds to maintain his façade.

This very troubling situation raised the issue that has plagued the feminist movement- Can men be feminists?

Arguments against male feminists

Many have argued that men cannot be feminists so so many reasons which includes:

1. Systemic privileges and oppression: All men, including male feminsist still benefit from systemic privileges and oppression.

For instance, there is a societal believe that men in general are more intelligent than women. This in turn translates into men having higher employability prospects, getting higher pay, promotions, being cited more in academic journals and their intellectual contributions taken more seriously than their female counterparts of similar qualifications, even if they were merely repeating what women have being saying. 

This stereotype benefits all men alike mindless of their feminist inclination. Even if that male feminist in question will ordinarily treat job applicants alike mindless of gender if he was in the position of a hiring manager, however, others sexists hirers will consider gender when determining employment, pay and promotion hence giving him (the male feminist) an unfair advantage over female applicants with similar qualifications.

2. Shady motives: Some times back, the news broke out about a self proclaimed outspoken male feminist who murdered his girlfriend.

When the news broke out, other women began to speak. They said he approached them but along the line, his behaviour became questionable. Apparently, his activism was merely to sell him off as 'safe' and he used that image to lure women, sleep with multiple women which eventually led to the murder of one. 

3. They can choose to drop out at any time: A very popular example of such is that is Solomon Buchi. He paraded himself as the King of feminism, breaker of chains, destroyer of toxic masculinity and several other self praise that even female feminsist never attributed to themsleves.

In the wake of his rampage as a self appointed feminsist spokesperson, he received many cash gifts from women including the controversial figure Bobrisky.

These were women and people who were impressed that such words were coming out from the mouth of man, and we are talking about things that women have been saying for centuries.

Only to wake up one beautiful morning to disavow his feminism. In his words, feminism has no place in his faith.

Subsequently, we saw how he descended into a misogynistic rabbit hole which included calling his first class wife as 'not that smart or beautiful'. 

In fact, on their first date (based on their recounting), when she told him she studied actuarial science, in his words, it was the first time he has heard of that course in his life, nonetheless, instead of using it as an avenue to bond with her by asking her to tell him more about the course, he went to chatgpt and generated questions on that field which he used to test his wife's intelligence😲. 

Apparently, her first class bachelor degree and two time membership in the Dean's honorary list was not enough, she still needed an illiterate in the field to test her intelligence because he has a phallus between his thighs.

In his words, when her answers aligned with that of chatgpt😂, 'he knew she was smart' 😮.

It didn't stop at that, after their marriage, his wife used her foreign visa to grant him entrance into the country as a spouse. 

From what I gathered from the bulk of their media timeline, she is the primary financial contributor in the marriage. He had stated that she pays the rent. Nonetheless, he released many tweets that some people interpreted as him taking an indirect shot at his wife by advising 'all women's.

In another post, he stated that his wife being very smart, she should be content with being a stay-at-home mum and use all that intelligence to raise his children to be smart. In his view, that is a greater achievement than actively pursuing a career. 

He also stated that at some point in their marriage, he started growing resentful of his wife for not being submissive enough. 

The decline was so acute it was almost impossible to envisage.

There are many men like him who have gratuitously fallen back on their male privilege which has led many feminists to doubt the genuity of a man's confession with regards to his feminist inclinations.

4. Image laundering: This issue is highlighted in the trending Ezra's case. He surrounded himself with so many outspoken feminist, such that when the news broke out, there was some period of silence from those Feminists who were known to frontier and amplify trending cases of GBV in the Country. 

Until the issue became hot such that silence could no longer avail them , it was at that point that some started putting out disclaimers. Even at that, I notice that they didn't outrightly name him. They only made a blanket criticism of GBV and distance themsleves from men who do such without outrightly making him. 

The thing with such men is that, they are so confident in their abuse because they know no one will believe the victims. They have already built a reputation for themsleves and gathered an ardent followers of believers.

5. They do not understand women's lived experience: Another argument against male feminists is that, they are not women so they do not understand our lived experience. They do not know what it means to be a woman in a world designed for men. At best, they can only sympathise.

6. Confusion of terms: For many men, they believe they are feminists just because they gave birth to their daughter and are now 'scared' that the very things they did to other people's daughters would be done to their daughters.

It is not a shocker that many men claim that they learnt how to respect women when they gave birth to their own daughters. 

Many men think think just being nice to women is enough to make them feminists. I had an interaction with one of them about three months ago. He lived in the same lodge as me. I was cooking and came out to throw out water. Since I was sweaty, I didn't want to wear a fresh shirt so I tied a wrapper on my waist. 

He met me and said "Ordinarily, I do not allow women to tie wrapper on their chest and come out'. 

I asked him if asked for his permission. When he noticed I wasn't joking with him, he decided to give me a story of how a lady in his previous compound whose wrapper fell down on the floor while she was carrying a bucket on her head so she couldn't remedy the issue quick enough he had to be the one to tie it on her chest and it was embarrassing for both parties.

I told him that is no concern of mine and it's not his place to dictate to any woman what to wear. 

In the course of the discussion he said "I am a feminist"

And I instantly cut him short and told him without minding words "No you are not". 

For that month, I made it a point of duty to tie wrapper round my chest and come out even when I didn't have need to. He apologised for being too intrusive and simply turn the other way when he sees me.

For many men, they are feminist because they show a little care and concern for women even though they do not believe women are their equals. They confuse chivalry, sympathy and patronising for feminism. 

Another section is the group of men suffering from confusion of terms are men who confuse the term philanthropy for feminism. They think donating to the course of women's right, volunteering or operating an NGO makes them feminists. No, you're just just a philanthropist or a volunteer not a feminist.

We do not want sympathy from men, we want actions. In the words of Farida D, 'we do not want men to save us, we want to be safe' 

7. Feminism of convenience: For many male feminists, they scathingly criticise GBVs that they do not participate in. For instance, they scathingly criticise rape, FGM, child marriage, trafficking because they do not participate in it, but the moment you begin to speak of male privileges that they actively benefit from, they begin to falter. 

When you begin to talk about unpaid labour, 5 of them will fall off the race, when you talk about women not needing to change their names to their husband's, 20 of them will fall off the race. At that point, they begin to accuse you of extremism, of doing too much. Reason being that they were comfortable attacking rape and trafficking because they are not participants, but when the discussion shifts to male privileges they actively benefit or wish to benefit from, they accuse you of misandry and extremism. 

That is when you begin to hear them say things like:-

"Feminists do not even know what 'real feminism' is all about. They should focus on the 'real issues' like child marriage". 

Now they want to mansplain what issues they consider real so that they never get to challenge the very privileges they enjoy at women's expense. They say:-

"If a woman wants to bear her husband's name, it is her choice and it should not concern you" 

"Feminism should not be brought within the house"

"Submission does not mean the woman is less. You do not understand what submission means"

"We are now in the post feminist era. Equality has already being achieved"

"I don't like modern day feminism"

"I don't like Nigerian version of feminism" .

So which version of feminism do you like?

Why is it that you like the version of feminism practiced in yonder land but not the one practiced in your country? Is there something you're hiding? 

Why is it that you like the feminism practiced in the 20th century and other by-gone era but not the one practiced in your own century? Is it that you don't want feminism to apply to you in person?

For self proclaimed male feminists like these, they want to tone police feminists, they want to fine tune what should be considered 'serious feminist concerns', they want to cherry pick which women's right to support provided it doesn't affect some privileges they do not want to let go of. 

However, you either support women's right or you don't. There is no middle ground!

8. Requiring cushion landing: Once I saw a male feminist share a rape joke. When I called it out, he said it is a joke and I needed to 'liven up a little'. He thought women's right is something he

Some years back, (can't remember the person), a male feminist was involved in a minor scandal and as expected, feminists on twitter called him out. 

This man expressed great displeasure at the fact that the women he once defended would be the ones to 'turn on him over a minor mistake'. He expected gratitude for defending women, he expected a cushion landing from feminists for a misogyny he knows we would ordinarily not tolerate, just  because he had been our friend in time past. 

I have also seen some male feminists express some kind of inconsistency in message. Sometimes, they say something that makes you wonder if it is the same person talking, but since they have previously said some things in favour of men, we end up giving them that benefit of the doubt.

This unreliability and inconsistency in message has also caused many feminists to decry male participation in feminism.

9. The intellectual discussant: I once had one on my Facebook list when I was a budding feminists. It took me a very long time to actually block and get rid of him. 

Whenever I discuss women's right, he doesn't come out and outrightly insult or discredit the women blatantly like other misogynists do, instead, he tries to reduce women's lived experience to intellectual discussion and by so doing, discredit it.

In fact, he was so calm and respectful in his approach. 

He carefully hid his misogyny under intellectual discussion, rhetorics and pseudo science. 

He was not ready to learn, he didn't clearly come out to say victims are lying, instead, he was constantly 'creating reasonable doubts' around their stories even when he doesn't know those victims and his 'reasonable doubts' were merely speculative. Like the way VDM made Mobhad's death to be all about paternity fraud, he also created doubt out of thin air.

It took a long time for me to realise he was a closeted misogynists masked as voice of reason. He was on many mutual friend's post doing same.

When I saw through his façade and blocked him from my personal page JD Njeb, he searched for my Facebook NGO page SheResonance to 'air his opinions'. The first day he did, I told him in clear terms that his opinions were barred from my page. I didn't block him from that page, I wanted him to read, learn and remain in silence. He never spoke again.

My personal view on the matter.

Now that I've mentioned the many reasons why feminists look upon male feminists with scepticism, I want to share my own personal view on the matter. 

I am of the view that men CAN & SHOULD be feminist! Reason being that:-

1. Feminism is not a gender, it is an ideology, a way of life and anyone can align or subscribe to an ideology mindless of gender and identity. 

2. The issue of systemic privilege: Earlier I mentioned that sexism is systemic and male feminists cannot simply tap out of it like when he is favoured for a job or paid more because the employer thinks men are more competent than women. 

However, there are other privileges that are personal and within his power.

For instance, I saw a tweet where a male feminist went against company policy to disclose his earnings with his female colleagues. He found out that they were paid less than their male colleagues of same rank. He disclosed to them and helped them take steps to remedy. The company knowing that it could lead to a discrimination lawsuit had to pay them up at per with men. I'm not so sure but I think they also paid them the arrears of previous salary withheld.

While other men in the organisation enjoyed their male privilege, he took steps to rectify it. He might not be in the decision making position not be able to influence over all policy for all women alive, nonetheless, in his own little way, he affected the system positively. 

A man can also decide that in my family, domestic labour will be split evenly. He can call out his friends when they make rape jokes and locker room banters, he can stop a man who is interrupting a woman who is speaking. These are just a few examples of men taking active steps to denounce male privileges that they have control of. 

So yes, men can in fact use and should use their male privilege positively to advance the cause of equality.

3. Another argument people make is that tomorrow, he can choose to go back to his male privilege like Solomon Buchi. 

Even though I greatly understand where the girls are coming from, nonetheless I have my reservations on this issue. 

Reason being that, I will not judge a person based on future possibilities of what they may or may not do.

While it might be more common among the male feminists to fall back to their male privilege, however, I have also seen female feminist roll back and eat their words just to get wifed up. Does that mean I should challenge a feminist's genuity based on future possibilities? No

4. An effort in futility: This is in fact the main reason why, I not only believe in, but actively support the idea of men's participation and identification with feminism. 

If we wake up every morning to advocate for equality but do not in fact believe that the men we preach to can truly embrace equality, then what is the essence of our activism?

Are women our only target audience?

We live in the world with men. Even if all women alive embrace the 4B movement, we still can't help but relate with men as colleagues, employees, boss, pastors, neighbours, fathers, brothers, sons etc

If we are empowering and enlightening only the women, we are shooting ourselves on the feet because we still live in the same world with men. 

We can't wake up everyday calling for male accountability and clamouring for an equitable and just world, while actively sidelining the men believing. It only makes a mockery of all our activism.

In the words of Chimamanda Adichie, We Should All Be Feminists.

Men are calling them simps while feminists are calling them pretenders. It makes no sense. We must come to the realisation that many men have in fact embrace equality and the pushback should not be from our quarter.

The Crucial Role of Male Allyship.

Personally, I have seen and relate with many male feminists whose message has being consistent for years. I have even learnt tremendously from many of them especially those who approach issues of feminism from the intellectual perspective by backing it with stats and studies. 

Male allyship is in fact very very crucial to the feminist movement, reason being that men are generally more likely to be successful penetrate the male audience far more than we female feminists can! 

Sexism is such that, a man is more likely to believe and listen to another man than a woman. 

As (female) feminists, we can make thousands of post talking about the same issue over and over again and still not be heard, but when a man tells his friends "what you're doing is not cool", he immediately backtracks. No stats were quoted, no one told him 'what if it is your sister', no background story given, just the two words 'not cool'.

And that listening part is important in breaking the ice called patriarchy. Male feminist are actually needed to bridge that gap.

I believe this is something many of us understand personally. For those of us that are outspoken and actively involved in media activism, you will agree with me that most of our followers are actually women not men.

The male allies actually have the opportunity of reaching out to the male audience which is very crucial because, notwithstanding that many women are decentering men, we still live in the same world and interactions with with are inevitable. So if men's mindset is stuck in the 1700s and women are already living in the 21st century, we will still bear the brunt of it given that men still control policies, legislation, money, businesses, power and families

A middle way:

My recommendation: I do not have an issue with men identifying as feminist, however, for my feminists sisters who do, perhaps a better word would be FEMINIST ALLIES instead of male feminists. This seems better than outrightly saying a man is incapable of understanding and standing by his profession of equality.

A Call to Caution⚠️⚠️⚠️

Notwithstanding my view that men can be feminist, I still find it incredibly incumbent to say that this matter must be navigated with caution such as:-

1. Actions: We should not rely heavily on a man's verbal profession. The real questions are- 

Does his actions match his proclamations?

What do the women closest to him (wife, girlfriends, daughters, employees) have to say about him? 

Is his message consistent? 

Does he take full accountability for past actions? 

Is he learning, unlearning and relearning?

2. Accountability to other men: If a man claims to be a feminist, yet other men are comfortable making rape jokes or objectifying women in his presence, then he is not a feminist!

This is not an issue of live and let live. You can't be a feminist with whom misogynists are comfortable around you.

Feminism is active. It is in the doing not words of mouth. Feminism does not allows you to sit on the fence. You are either in support of women's right or you're not!

Reason being that sexism is not just an individual action but a system that creates an enabling environment for such individual actions to thrive. If your silence creates an enabling environment for your boys, if you're more loyal to bro code even at the expense of a woman's safety and comfort, then you're not different from those men!

3. Allyship or usurping: A man who claims to support women's right but makes it all about himself is questionable, just like Solomon Buchi who dubbed himself as the King of feminism and breakers of women's chains.

There was so many showmanship to his feminism, notwithstanding the fact that he wasn't saying anything new. These are things feminists have been saying for centuries in different words. 

This shows that such a man has not yet unlearn the patriarchal idea of male leadership. A male feminsist should lend his voice not usurp the movement and make it about him or turn it into a showmanship.

Another popular case is that of Farhan. In 2022, the popular feminist Farida D called him out for stealing so many of her posts without crediting her. In fact, he doesn't even follow her but goes there to steal nuggets as if it was his. He stole the words of other feminists too.

When she reached out to him, he apologised and promised to take accountability, instead, he made his page private so she never sees it. She publicly called him out.

You can't empower women by stealing from other women. 

4. Seek clarification: If you're in doubt, seek clarification. A safe man would not beat around the bush when you ask questions. A safe man should know that your comfort and safety matters more than his feelings. 

If he is dodging the question or feels hurt that you're asking clarifying questions, then he's not safe.

5. Trust your intuition: Notwithstanding the fact that feminism is one that is capable of deeply influencing your outlook and way of life, it is important to note that Feminism is a ideology not a personality!

There are female feminists I know that, while we agree on issues of equality or pick up a placard and protest together, still, we can't be friends because of their personality. We are better just being acquaintances or colleagues.

Reason being that, feminism is one out of many ideologies a person adheres to. I am a feminist, educated, a lawyer, Christian, introvert, meticulous etc

In the same way, another feminist can be feminist, uneducated, atheist, disabled, extroverted, loud spoken, life of the party, trans woman etc.  All these affects and influences who we all turn out to be. 

So while we agree on women's right, we might have very sharp personality difference and might not align in other ways 

It is the same way you can be a Christian but that doesn't mean you can be friends or marry any Christian man. Christianity is just one of the many things that he is made up of!

The point being made is:- Do not hasten to be friends with a man just because he identifies as a feminist. We can agree and just be acquaintance, colleagues etc.

I am saying this because, for us straight feminists, it is our intention that we partner up with a man who is in alignment with our feminists ideals. Unfortunately, this can make us susceptible to men who are patronisers, liars or just looking to laundering their image by association like we saw Ezra did.

Pls note that FEMINISM IS NOT A CHARACTER REFERENCE FOR A MALE FEMINIST. If you choose to be close friends or partner with such a man, it should be based on all round evaluation, not only on grounds that he's a feminist. Most importantly, let his actions not his words speak for him.

Just because he is a feminist doesn't mean he is a good person or has a great personality. In fact, just because he is truly a good man  doesn't mean he will be good for you. Like I said, there are many things that makes up a person.

Your safety matters more than his profession. Always trust your intuition.

 

6. Lastly, take a stand: If along the line he shows up to be a chameleon, take a stand against him. Your loyalty should be first to your values not a man.

Stop trying to see reason, excuse, justify or tone police his victims. 

Also note that just because a man treats you right doesn't mean he treats all women right. So do not use your own personal experience with a man to discredit his victims. A man is not a rxpist because he rxped all women he encounters. Rxping just one is enough to make him a rxpist or abuser!

So you might actually have a good experience with him, he might have donated large sums to women's right organisation, but that is not an adequate compensation for his abuse.

It is ok to feel hurt or even be in a state of disbelief, however....whenever any of his victims speak out, it is not the time for you start telling us what a good man he is and it is definitely not the time to start giving character reference for his past good deeds. 

And be ready to lose those monetary benefits or whatever it is you profit off your relationship with him. You can't profit off other women's suffering and call yourself a feminist.

Conclusion.

This point I made that FEMINISM IS NOT A CHARACTER REFERENCE FOR A MALE FEMINIST is very crucial and central because as women, we are used to badly behaved men, such that, when we meet one who treats us with a little decency, we blow it out of proportion. 

Like it is said, "when you're used to poor treatment, the barest minimum becomes a luxury".

Like stated earlier, we've actually had some cases where self proclaimed male feminist murdered women.

So while we want to partner up with a progressive man, see past his verbal declarations and consider his actions, how he treat others he is not sexually interested it, how he talks about his ex, how he treats his subordinates, things he said in the past, how he takes accountability and most importantly, your intuition. 

Even if you don't have the evidence to back it up, if your intuition is not at rest, please believe your intuition until proven otherwise. You don't need evidence to believe your intuition. 

Your intuition evolved for millennium and was passed down to you by the matriarchs in your family line just to keep you safe. Hold it tight. Believe your intuition until proven otherwise.

Thank you and be safe. 

                              - Dogo Joy Njeb Esq.

DOGO JOY NJEB Esq is a practicing lawyer and founder of SheResonance Awareness. She has worked with Legal Aid Council Nigeria and is a member of Federation of Female lawyers on Nigeria where she renders pro bono services to indigent persons. She is a private practitioner, a writer and an aspiring author. Contact her on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, tiktok, x, or send a mail to sheresonance@gmail.com