THE SUNK COST FALLACY: The Art of Breaking Up.

If you've listened to Beyonce's sing Jolene remake "Jolene, don't come for my man... I raised that man". It's safe to say you've  just  jirate to sunk cost fallacy. 

You're on a ship, a long and strenuous journey. You've expended time,spent money and exhausted energy. 2/3rd of the journey have being covered, then you hit a rock and the boat became faulty, you wouldn't take you all the way to the last lap. 

You have your eyes on a set destination, but if you insist on going, the ship would sink along side you. but there's another ship going back to shore you left days ago. 

Now here's the dilemma: -Going back would amount to an effort in futility, insisting on pushing forward would lead to the ultimate collapse of the ship and you. 

What would you do?

I know some of us would be quick to say "there's no dilemma at all, I'll simply hop on the saving ship and go back".

However, you look back, time, money, energy, days, years, have already being spent on that journey. What would you do? Jump ship or insist on your journey in a ship doomed to sink?

Take a minute to think about it...

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I think I would be right to say that for many of us, it didn't even take a second, you already know what to do. You'll count your losses, jump and go back to the beginning where you started right?  

Are we on board on this one?

Perfect!

Interestingly, that might be the case theoretically speaking but that is not always the case realistically speaking. In fact, most would doggedly push the ship to the brink until it breaks and sink with them!

Madness right? 

Well, there's a name for this 'madness', it is called the Sunken Cost Fallacy.

Sunk cost fallacy is when a person makes decision, not based on what is best going forward, but based on the fact that they have already invested time, effort and money into a list or hopeless situation. It is often followed by giving oneself false hopes and assurances that are not aligned with logic. 

You can see this 'madness' in everyday life interactions especially relationships.

The sunk cost fallacy came to my mind when I saw the video of a woman having a brawl with a side chic and she kept repeating "Do you know how much I invested on him, how much time..." All she talked about was the time, energy and effort.

In fact, at that time, nothing was said about love, all she spoke about was her investments in him. Leaving him would mean leaving behind all the years, time, affection, youth she had spent on him. I doubt after all she's being through in his hands, she still has affection left for him, however, she had sunken in so much cost such that leaving him behind was a 'bad investment' even though he was in fact, the bad investment.

 It was very pitiful to watch. And I have seen this repeats itself continually, women say "I can't work for another woman to eat". True, it makes sense for one to want to reap the reward of their labour, there is nothing fallacious about that, but what if at harvest time, you realise the apples you spent all that time and resources planting  are infested with pests or are rotten, would you insist on consuming rotten apples in other to 'recoup cost'? For what it's worth, it only increases cost- cost of medical bills, time spent in the hospital and physical pain suffered. 

If you've listened to Beyonce's sing Jolene remake "Jolene, don't come for my man... I raised that man". It's safe to say you've just jirated to sunk cost fallacy.

And the truth is, People will ordinarily not make a statement such as this unless they already know the relationship is bad for them, but they are clinging unto their investment- time, energy, labour, finances, youth. And really, in a way, they are right to, no one hopes to just abandon an investment they've sunk everything into. 

The way out!

Day 1, Cry: Yes, cry! Mourn your losses. They took something dear from you and it hurts. We are not about to use 'logic' to minimise real human pain. However,... this is not the end point, this is day one. 

2. Day 2, Lay it bare on the table: Be true to yourself. Place it all on the table without excuses and justifications. Stop telling yourself 

"Well, the apples might not be all that bad" 

"It might hurt but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

No, lay it all out without excuses, the plain naked truth. 

This is not me minimising your pain, I know it hurts like hell and your chest runs out of breath like you've returned straight from a hurdle race. 

Perfect, a good relationship shouldn't make you feel like you just ran a hurdle race.

Now that all the cards are on the table, revert back to my earlier rotten apple analogy. Would you eat rotten apples just to recoup cost spent on buying seedlings, time spent planting, watering etc??

I'm guessing the answer is no.

My first relationship litmus test is- if it doesn't make sense in any other situation, it most likely do not make sense if done within the confines of romance, that is just you making excuses. 

If it wouldn't make sense to eat rotten apples to recoup cost, it also wouldn't make sense to remain with someone harmful or hurtful to you to recoup time spent. 

Day 3, count your loss: Still linked to the first point, clinging doggedly would not recoup lost cost but only cause you to expend more cost in pursuit of a dead cause. 

Sunken cost fallacy is a self perpetuating circle because at first, you refuse to leave because you've sunken so much time, energy and resources, but when you remain, you only spend more time, energy and resources than that already spent, which would make it all the more harder to leave. The more you stay, the harder it is to leave. It's like trying to heal by repeatedly shooting yourself on the same foot;

If you decide to stay because you've already 'wasted' 5 years of your life, then, in 5 years time, you would have wasted 10 years of your life, on your 20th anniversary, you would have wasted 20 years. 

However, we humans are quite used to clinging unto empty shells for consolation. We convince ourselves that it is not a waste because we are still together celebrating anniversaries and churning out more children on a regular, even though you're sad, fighting to be seen, treating multiple infections with a generous touch of baby mama dramas. 

The question shouldn't be "but I've already expended so much" it should be "what is the way forward?" "So much has been lost, how do I prevent further losses?"

If you don't count your losses, you'll mount more losses. 

Day 4, Recognise the role of conditioning: We women have to realise that our conditioning or socialisation has always put us at the bad side of the bargain. The moment we assume a new relationship, we begin making poor decision.

Once I spoke about women's property right and how Nigerian women can protect themselves and a woman said "just marry a good man". And I asked her "why reward a man with your vulnerability just because he is good? I have never seen a man reward a woman with his vulnerability just because she is good. 

We claim the bad guys put us in vulnerable positions, and when we meet the good guys, first thing we do is reward them with our vulnerability as show of gratitude for being good.

Why?

This is why you should always demand as much as you give so you're not left feeling cheated. This is very crucial because it minimises the hurt you feel. In fact, for relationships that are egalitarian, even a breakup of or divorce are a lot less cantankerous, compare to relationships froth with bad blood.

In summary, mourn your losses but don't remain there, put it all on the table without making excuses or justifications, count your cost and move forward, and in moving forward, you just address issues of socialisation that makes you prone to throwing all in for a partner who gives less than average. Addressing socialisation issues is crucial as it prevents you from repeating same circle going forward 

I will round it up with my favourite saying "Don't cling unto a mistake because you spent a lot of time making them"

Don't forget to like, share & read our previous posts. We also await your thoughts and contribution on this matter. Do have a pleasant day!!

- DOGO JOY NJEB Esq. 

Dogo Joy Njeb is a practicing lawyer and founder of SheResonance Awareness and a legal commentator. 

She has previously published with Naija Feminist Media, SheResonance, Storeadtime, Herlore and Vine Press. She was also shortlisted for the Speculative Fiction Prize. 

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SheResonance is a media awareness groups that breaks down complex issues of women's right into easily digestible form. We believe the first step to mental emancipation is our ability to identify our chains. 

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